Christians

I effing hate Christians. Seriously effing hate.

Okay, no, not hate. But really close. They piss me off so bad. I just want to slap their stupid little faces around. Effing seriously!!!

There are plenty of reasons that make me feel like this, but three in particular have been on my mind lately, and they are related.

Christians have absolutely no teeth. The church has forfeited practically every ounce of power it ever possessed. I'm not talking about cultural or political power. Indeed those have subsided as well, but I couldn't care less. Those are fleeting and crappy and nearly worthless anyhow. What I am talking about is far more serious, far more important, and in a far worse condition.

The church has forfeited its spiritual power in three ways that are intimately connected.

First and perhaps most serious is that the majority of Christians have become practically, if not academically convinced that there is no enemy. Most of them, even if they believe in the existence of Satan, live out their lives and their faith in a way which pays not even a cursory respect to this. There is no recognition of spiritual warfare, or even the negative consequences of free will and root sin (pride). The majority of Christians I meet attribute every freaking bad thing that happens to God's will, and most of them simultaneously commit one of the other grievances I'll talk about later, which is saying that God's will is not knowable. John Edlredge talks about this problem in Wild At Heart. He tells of a ministry he knew of that hit some hard times. Their reaction was to close up shop. Now I don't know if they attributed it to God's will, or just fell back on a lack of commitment, but they utterly failed to recognize that there was a real enemy out to thwart their good efforts in God's name. My own anecdote is what I am going through now. A month ago no one I knew or was around had any doubt about God's will in regards to Heather and I being together and getting married. But suddenly, all anyone can think is that everything must have been wrong and this must be God's will. That He obviously doesn't want us together, or at the very least, wants us temporarily separated. Now I'm not saying that's not what He wants . . . but what do they have to go on? What little there is is outrageously suspect for more reasons than I can healthily consider.

So where does this come from? Well belief-wise its old. Real old. Some, if not most Jews long before the Bible was even being recorded had given up, or never recognized the idea of Satan. In modern times however, the idea can be traced back to Martin Heidegger. But no one listened to him because he was an effing Nazi. No, seriously, he was. Rudolf Bultmann was paying attention and popularized the idea. His implementation was far more reaching than just Satan. Bultmann's aim was to completely demythologize the New Testament and Christian faith as a whole. What a dick.

Slowly this idea takes root, and combined with growing intellectualism, secularism, and cultural pandering suddenly realizes a huge upper echelon of the Christian faith that academically discharges belief in Satan and spiritual warfare. But most Christians aren't well educated enough to be such complete morons, so where did they go wrong?

I think its two things. One obviously is Satan himself. Its much easier for him to do his business if no one acknowledges that he's doing it. But, and maybe this is part of his method, is misguided attempts at a better faith. Most Christians, by teaching or by striving, have equated good faith with a complete reliance on God. While generally a good thing, one potential side effect of this is unilateral attribution. This sublimates any understanding of negative free will choices, and spiritual warfare, and supposes that everything single freaking thing that happens is because God wants it to. Which is freaking stupid.

But Zach, what about Job, God let bad stuff happen to him. Okay, but that is not a universal example. Let's look at Adam and Eve. God told them not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil right? If He had meant for them to do it He would have freaking told them to. But He didn't, and they did. Why? Satan tempted them and they made a negative choice allowed by the free will God gave them. And as a result they freaking died. Eventually.

And today's Christians have completely jettisoned this. We need to wake up and realize that Satan is real. And he wants to destroy and rip apart and tear down and apathize every good thing. Every good relationship is a target of Satan, because he hates love and hates reflections of God. Just because your boyfriend or girlfriend or friend acts like an idiot, or something goes wrong in the relationship, doesn't necessarily mean it isn't right. In fact it could be confirmation that it is good. Satan doesn't target things that aren't contributing to the kingdom. Now that doesn't mean you SHOULD be with the person you're with, or be friends with a particular. But it means you should stop and think, "Is there something bigger going on here? What do I know to be true?" Satan is pulling and prying at every crack in every good thing. Be ready.

Now another thing, and one that is somewhat influenced by this, is that Christians have completely abandoned prayer. Now systematically they have not. Christians pray, at least some of them. But do the prayers do any good?

Well there are two elements to this? 1) Do the people praying believe their prayers are being heard and will be answered? 2) Are the people actually praying for something significant?

Now the first one is a moot point to talk about. There is essentially nothing more I can add to this. If you don't believe God is listening, if you don't believe He can do it, you need more help than I can presently give. But trust me, there are a million and one stories out there of God answering prayers, and doing it in a big way. Just Sunday I heard a story of a guy who had prayed a woman out of a wheel chair. Legit. He was working for a Christian agency that went and confirmed it as a freaking miracle. Take that Satan. Effing *******.

The second point, however, is something to which far less attention has been paid, and as a result this is far more rampant in the praying portion of Christians. Christians pray insignificant prayers. Now by insignificant I don't mean things like, "God help me find my car keys." God does actually care about that, and will help, and there is glory in it. What I mean is that so many, so freaking many Christians have gotten into this terrible habit regarding big things. In little things they remain faithful. "God help me with this test." But about bigger things, the common prayer has become less powerful. People often pray, "God, let your will be done." What an effing stupid prayer.

Now obviously I don't mean that universally. I want God's will to be done. And heck, Jesus prayed that line in the garden of Gethsemane. But there are outstanding elements about Him praying that. 1) Jesus already knew what God's will was, He was praying that prayer by way of personal submission. It was an offering of His desires. 2) Jesus also prayed for something else before this. He said, "God if there's another way do it, but I submit to Your will."

Christians these days have gotten into a habit of just praying the second part. For instance, I've been asking people to pray for Heather, that her heart is turned back to remember the love she once felt in abundance for me, and recognize the love I have for her. And most of them say, "Well I'll pray for God's will." Now there's a part of me that has no problem with this . . . but think about how stupid that is. All you are praying for is what can happen without any input at all from you. You are saying, God, I want you to do what you are going to do. That prayer has almost no power. The only thing that gives it any power at all is the fact that in this case it involves a person's choice. So free will is involved, and that limits God's power because He chooses not to overstep. But if a person is under submission to God, or if it is an issue that involves no choice?!

Let's take a look at another example, another story I heard Sunday. Alyssa was telling about this guy she went to church with. He had cancer that had metastasized and was killing him quickly. He couldn't walk, he couldn't really speak. So the church rallied people to pray. They spent time at a church service praying for him, and having 5 other churches in the area do the same thing. By the end of the service he was talking and moving around. He went to the doctors the next day and had not a single cancerous cell in his body. He died 3 months later. Of a heart attack.

What's the moral? God's will is going to happen no matter what, if the people involved submit to Him. But if its something that doesn't involve choice, then there is no stopping Him. But even then, He will give according to His will as we ask. He healed the man, because they wanted Him to. But God still wanted Him in heaven, so He did it. Let's say you are praying to get a promotion. God can tug at your bosses heart and do whatever the heck He wants. Its happened before and it will happen again.

If you are going to pray, pray a prayer that will make a difference. Pray for something. Jesus himself said, "Ask for anything in my name, and it will be given to you. Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you."

God Himself told us to ask for what we want. To supplicate Him for our desires. By praying only, notice I said "only" for God's will, you are disobeying God. And you are lying. Your heart has a bent, it has desires, and not admitting those to God is kind of like lying. If its not a good desire get rid of it, or ask Him to. If it is, why not ask? He told you to.

There is a potential disconnect here. Since God has a will, and it is perfect, how can we pray things into happening? Now there has to be an answer, because God tells us to do it. What is it? I'm not entirely sure, but its probably something like this. God's will is like a river. There are points where it is narrow and only one way will work, like how to get to heaven, or who we are to marry. But there are points where it is broad, and He wants to let us have a say. Don't pass that up.

If what you want is in line with God's will it will be given, and if its not He's not going to get pissed and scold you. Now none of this is saying that if you pray for something and it doesn't happen that something is wrong with God. Maybe what you prayed for is outside of His will. Maybe He's saying not yet. But if you don't pray for it . . .

Pray prayers that mean something. Pray prayers that make a difference.

Lastly is the whole matter of God's will anyways. I've heard so many Christians say lately, for so many reasons, that we just can't know God's will. Really? Freaking really?

Everything God has ever done has been to display His love for us to enter into a relationship, that is maintained by living in order with His will by way of submission. There are few things God wants us to know more than His will, because its His will FOR US. And God isn't good at staying quiet about things He wants us to know or do. Remember Jonah.

I think the real problem here is with listening. Most people don't know how to hear God. They don't know how to listen, and so they make up for that lack by saying they just can't know God's will. Or even worse, by telling you that you can't know God's will.

Now people have screwed up God's will before. They have supplanted His will with their own. But most people, at some level, have an understanding that they are doing this. And more importantly, why should that discount the possibility of ever getting God's will right?

Let's start simple. Do you think God wants you to kill someone today? For most of you the answer will be no. Now maybe not everyone, but generally no. How do you know this? Because He has said so, and He hasn't said or done anything to make you think He's changed his mind.

Now it takes practice, it can be hard, and its not always perfectly clear, but God's will is knowable, because He wants it to be.

Now what's really bad is when all three combine. So a bunch of Christians run around saying everything that has happened is God's will, which they can't know in a forecoming sense to know what to do, and they have to do something because all they are praying for is what they don't know which is what is going to happen. Are you completely insane yet?

Satan is actively working to screw up every good thing. People are able to make bad choices based on those temptations and those lies. And we have the power to make a difference. We can pray our asses off. Now go do it. I'm going to.

July 5, 2008

This is my prayer journal entry from one week before Heather and I met:

"I've been meaning to tell you how much, how incredibly much, I loved worship on Sunday. I was so . . . full of joy, so spirit filled, so w/ You. I love You Father. I long for You to replace me, to be my sustainment, and my essence. Perfect me Father, to be like You.

Looking back on this day God, its amazing how You move and touch and bless. Perhaps the most incredible part, and certainly the most encouraging and uplifting was that Chuck, essentially w/o speaking to us, recognized that we were w/ Christ. What great honor can be imagined? I hope I experience that feeling more.

What a great day Lord. My only question is what is next? So much still rests on me. I need a job. And along w/ it a place to live. I want to do Summer Staff. I need a new car. And daily you seem to increase my desire to find my companion. I feel as though I will meet her any minute, and you are prepping me. All this still lurks. I still have flaws and insecurities that need Your touch. I still have doubts and fears and dumb desires.

Much as I like to not I still sometimes think of [name withheld]. I still anger and wonder. Even though I know You have better in store. And You always have. And it is close.

And the now what of that part of my life, God. I recognize in me this desire, or perhaps a need to experience the greater glory in this part of my life. I so want my constant companion.

There are some possibilities that have come up, but I am having nothing to do with them. I am waiting on You God, w/ everything. But do not tary my Lord, for my needs are many, though my joy and my You are bountiful. Deliver unto me Father, Your servant waits."

Just a quickie

I'm working on a real post, but I just wanted to throw something out there quick.

I've had a hard day. I haven't really spoken to anyone, I feel really alone. Half the day was spent missing Heather pretty badly. And the other half was spent being bitter and ruminating and what was happened and how hurt and angry I am. Even so . . .

Heather I miss you and I love you more than words can say. Please lets take the steps to work through this.

Joel 2:28

"And afterward,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your old men will dream dreams,
your young men will see visions."

-Joel 2:28

I had two dreams last night, and I've decided to relate them hear.

The first one actually happened second, but is less interesting. I've been waking up really early in the morning and using the restroom and praying for a little bit and then falling back asleep. I always, always use that time to pray for Heather. And those prayers are often for her heart to be turned back, and for reconciliation.

So this morning that routine goes one. And when I fall back asleep I have this dream:

Heather and I are finally sitting together. We are in a dark house, that is fairly old, with a crummy tv on. We are holding hands and smiling at each other, but you can feel that it is recent. We have only just gotten back together and are still working through things. Then I notice her parents are there watching the movie with us. Her mom says nothing but has a smile on her face. Her dad begins to sing a song. Somehow I know it is for me. I ask him to stop, saying that it is painful to hear. But he insists. I look at Heather and smile at her as tears fill my eyes.

I'm thinking this could have been my first subjective dream in 6 months, but I'm not sure. Given everything God has been saying through scripture lately . . . well, we'll see.

The other dream is far more interesting:

I am traveling on a road, and have been for sometime. There is a passenger with me, but I cannot tell who. Sometimes I think it is Heather, and sometimes I think it is Jesus, but I cannot tell.

Then suddenly I am stopped. I am standing with my brother, and with two of my brothers in Christ, both of whom I recognize. I ask why were are stopped and no one can answer. Then I hear a voice and look up. There is a man in a hard hat with an indeterminate face. He says they have removed a piece. I ask of what and he directs me to move a little. Then I notice there is a plexiglass wall that has been blocking the road. And they have removed 2 or three pieces just reaching a height over my head. My brother then comments on how there is more light now, and somehow the wall was blocking it. It is here that I take stock of my surroundings.

The road is the middle of a hill, with a very open valley to the left, extending backwards and forwards. At the bottom of the valley runs a river. It is seems inviting, but is obviously not safe. It is narrower than it looks from where I am and is obviously running very fast. On the far side and behind us there are mountains. Behind I can see where I have been in the road and there are hills but it is obviously very sunny. Where I am at now in the road is covered in shade. Running along the right side of the road is a row of trees, so incredibly thick you almost can't see through. But what you can see is so oppresively bright with sunlight that it is apparent this isn't the same light as elsewhere. I notice that the man removing the wall is also gutting branches from the trees. Ahead of where I am the road curves to the right, and if you squint through the trees you can see where it winds up the hill on the other side of the trees.

Running alonside the road to the left, the side of the valley is a series of nets. One of these nets is vertical and extends slightly higher than the trees on the right side of the road. Runnig under this net is another net, this one horizontal. It is now that I see my two brothers in Christ climbing the net. I tell them to be careful, but it is obvious they cannot hear me. Then they fall, both of them turn head first and crach into the net. As they hit the catch net, one of them spews white foam from his mouth onto the ground. Then the man with the wall looks at me and says its time. And then I wake up.

So there.

I've got some ideas but I'm still working through it.

Revelation - no not that one

Is there anyone that I haven't talked to today? Oh yes, Heather. And actually Jill and Glenn. But really.

So I went and tried this new church out tonight. It was interesting. And by interesting I mean . . . I'm not sure what I think about the church but God was definitely using it to speak to me tonight.

I walk in and wander around for a few minutes, feeling terribly awkward, as you only can in a place you never should. ::Sigh:: So I go to this welcome desk and meet Jennifer, and her friends Holly and what's her name. Turns out Jennifer is head of the Young Adults group, which is meeting tonight (thank God). She introduces me to Andy, who she tells to look after me. So Jennifer, Holly and lady-leaves-an-impression and I went into worship.

The worship on Wednesday nights is led by the youth praise band, which was decent, though the drummer has never heard the expression "less is more." I'd never heard the songs before but really enjoyed them lyrically. They were good to try and get my heart out. Turn it on God.

The last song we sang really caught my attention.

It was a song about God's loving pursuit of us. The last line of every verse was "I will not be denied" and the chorus was "I'm coming after you." Okay, well that would get my attention anyways, but given my revelation earlier, which I'll talk about later, it was especially interesting. Now any connection to my situation with Heather could easily be dismissed were it not for what happened next.

We walk into the Young Adults room, which isn't much, but good gosh is it full. And thank God for it. I need these people. So I spot Andy who has . . . what . . . saved a seat for me, right in the middle of a bunch of cool looking guys. Effing serious?! I sit down and am introduced to Stephen, Luke, Jeremy and quickly make myself a member of the group. Of course, I was sitting with the "trouble makers" (see: cool people) cracking jokes the whole time and generally being ridiculous. At one point, each of us successively pointed out how someone had just said "do do." Thank freaking You God.

So what was the big thing that happened next? The topic. Commitment. Passage: Song of Solomon 8. Are you freaking serious?

Well yes in fact they were. We spent the next hour talking about commitment, and what it means and why its important and how it affects us and on and on. I think its when 'guy with forced deep voice and overly analytical comments' says that commitment comes way before marriage in romantic relationships that it hits me, I did not come here to be told to stay true to Heather, even during this time. I actually came here to move on. Not completely because that's not my place and not my promise. Heather has my heart, and always will. But for as long as this lasts I need to do something like moving on. But here I am doing that and what do I get. Pursuit and commitment. I'm really not even sure what joke to make here. Really.

Okay, so what's the revelation? Where does this all tie in and what is the point of this post?

I had this moment earlier. I was thinking about Heather, and how off her thoughts are about me right now. How she's got these ideas about what I was doing, that are really the exact opposite of the truth. And how she's angry and running from me. And honestly all I want is to love her. To be with her. To have her know the love that resides in my heart. That would do anything for her. That would take anything I was doing to make her feel what she was feeling and fix it. A love that knows no bounds. A love that does not give up. A love that wants what is best. A love that wants to give life. A love willing to sacrifice to an extent the world doesn't see. To lay down my dreams, my faults, everything to love her well. And I'm so saddened that she doesn't realize, or perhaps remember that this is how I love her. And then it hits. This is what I do to God.

Now God's love is grander, and truer, and more able, and more everything than my own. But seriously consider the parallels. God writes this amazing story. Goes to great lengths to arrange us meeting despite all odds. Makes it a picture perfect beginning. Leaves no doubt as to the intended relationship. Gives confirmation at every turn. And things are good. There is growth, there is realization of what needs work. There is effort. But of course, there are hard times. Then external factors press. And things become strained. Not outwardly, not pressingly, but its still there. Then when things are at their worst, someone walks out. And the other one is left loving. Doing everything they can to say, "hey, I love you, don't walk away, we can do this." And which am I talking about? Both. You can't even tell the difference.

God loves me so freaking much. And I get my thoughts about what He was doing exactly backwards and gave Him up as a result. And He is left holding our covenant in His hands saying, "hey, you promised. And I love you. I'll do anything to make this work, but its not always gonna be like you thought. Sometimes its hard." And now I know how He feels when I do that. And its awful.

God's love . . . what better embrace is there. It is so great and glorious. Turn to God. Cling to Him desperately.

Last points:
1) I discovered a great band, Before Their Eyes. Christian post-hardcore. Soo good.
2) Last night I prayed to God in a way I often do. I hold my Bible and ask Him to speak to me through it, then open it and read what my eyes fall on, and it works amazing. So last night I do this. I'm like, "hey God, I'm struggling with this stuff with Heather, could you just speak to me about it." And I open my Bible. Hold on to your britches. Hosea, chapter 1 verse 1. Are you effing serious?! So I read the whole thing. And here's my prayer journal entry its a personalized quote:

"Forgive all my sins and receive me graciously that I may offer the fruit of my lips. Assyria cannot save me; I will not mount my war-horses. I will never again say 'My gods' to what my hands have made, for in You the fatherless find compassion."

Hosea 14:2b-3

Take note of the last line. "The fatherless find compassion." Really? God . . . compassion? But that's one of the names You gave her? And I am the fatherless. Or was. So . . .

"Is this really Your plan? To keep me locked and on my knees?" - Underoath

More and more and more

So the last post was mostly about what happened, and it was getting long, so I wanted to do something more about where I am:

I am . . . good. God is still making promises that look way too big from where I stand. Promises that look too hard. But as I sit here I realize how much I have turned all this over to Him. Maybe I'm reading everything He's telling me wrong. But I don't think I care. I know He will take care of it either way. (I'm thinking of writing a post about these promises if anyone is interested, I can say that now that I know people are reading this.)

This morning I was incredibly restless. I felt like my insides were going to crawl out of my skin. Nothing could settle. Nothing sounded like it could satisfy. I grabbed my prayer journal and quickly jotted:

Restlessness . . . I feel like I recognize it. Are You trying to speak to me? What are You saying? Reveal Yourself.

I lied down prostrate on the floor and lost track of time trying to listen. Its so hard to push ourselves out. To clear our minds and really just try to hear God speak. Not through Scripture, as He so often does for me. But really just . . . the voice. The knowledge.

My head swirls, every thought is a possibility. I try to test everything, to double check everything. I realize I'm just trying to keep my head busy. Finally it starts to clear. I feel like I'm drifting. Everything starts to feel and sound far away. I listen.

"Be ready"

For what?

"What is coming. I have told you."

How do I prepare?

"Obey. Seek"

How long?

"One week"

So there it is. God lays it out and tells me the what. I'm still not sure I totally get it. I kept asking for more about what I was to do. And He just kept saying "be ready". Oh well, I have a week right? But I don't know what that means either. I guess we'll see.

Other important thoughts. I was talking to Katie Hackett tonight, who is most assuredly one of my favorite people on the planet. If you don't know her I'd be glad to put you in touch. So I share two things with her I've been ruminating over about this whole mess. Spiritual things.

One is a little personal. About two years ago Heather was blessed with the spiritual gift of speaking in tongues. She'd probably kill me if she knew I was saying this. She's very private about it and gave flesh and bone to an idea of spirituality I only agreed with in theory previously. So oddity of oddities Heather starts praying like this in front of me, and I can understand her. Not every time, not perfectly, but still . . . its . . . its nothing I can even begin to describe.

Second is when Heather and I started dating, something else crazy and Godly happened. I've never been much of a dreamer, normally I just pass an uninterrupted night. But then sometime this fall . . . I don't know how long exactly but now I only dream in prophecy. Everything I dream comes to pass. And I dream more often. For-instance: I had at least 3 separate dreams of this same type, starting in January with the last one in late February. In the dream I find myself in a strange place and I'm with Heather and things are good. We are on a trip of some kind, an adventure. Then the dream changes, and the trip takes on a negative tone, something bad comes up. Shortly after this, Heather leaves while I am talking to her. I can't understand why she is angry, and I can't find her, and I know if I do it won't do any good. It feels hopeless. Then in the dream I find myself in another strange place, with lots of people from my past. Girls I almost dated, people I haven't spoken to in years. And then I leave that place and the dream ends. You can imagine my surprise when these events came to pass.

That is what actually made me take notice of the newly developed nature of my dreams. There are other instances as well. An almost word for word encounter with an ex-girlfriend from high school. I had a dream where a particular person was angry at me and the next day I received a nasty and self righteous letter from them.

So when I tell Katie these things, she immediately responds, "Zach, give this woman your whole heart." Well needless to say I'm all for that. But I don't know exactly how to do that in my present situation. I don't know what it means from here or how I enact it. What's really important though, is what Katie recognized. Without knowing almost anything else about the situation, Katie hears of these things and recognizes God. Recognizes His blessings and His touch, and she encourages me, in the midst of being broken hearted, to devote myself wholly and complete to Heather. Okay, you've convinced me . . . now what?

Its still up and down. Sometimes it feels like every single minute is a struggle, but . . . .
I was talking to my friend Sarah, and I told her I believed God was not done with Heather and I, that there is more to our story. That what was promised is still planned, and Sarah says the most incredible thing. "Then why are you upset?"

I'm still working that out. For now . . . I know God is with me. But soon . . . He's going to have to do something soon. It's been so long.

Wowzers

Haha. woo.

All day I've been telling myself I was going to post on the blog tonight. And now its late, 1:30, and I have so much I want to say, I can think of at least 4 posts. I just spent about an hour on the phone with Zane, who is in California right now. I kind of feel . . . weird, light headed and a little loopy. At one point we both took turns calling Kyle until he answered, 2 o'clock his time. I finally got a hold of him, and when he answered I had no idea what to say. I started laughing and hung up. I called Zane back and we laughed for a good 5 minutes. Oh non-alcoholic drunk dialing . . . you and I are friends now. BFFAE!!!

Yesterday (Sunday) was a good day. It started earlier in the week, when my mom started making fun of this church. The church is called "The Church at Indian Lake" which my mom thought was a poor name for a church. I pointed out it was no different than something like Portland Industrial Plumbing, and as such was good, it says what they do and where they are. So when I'm making up my mind about where to go to church on Sunday my mind comes back to that conversation. After talking with Sam I'd made up my mind I was going to try a smaller church in hopes of meeting more people. I looked up CIL online and was intrigued by how well the sermon topic seemed to fit my situation and feelings.

So Sunday morning I throw on a nice t-shirt and jeans and head to church. At first I think I may have woefully misjudged the atmosphere of the church and I second guess going. Everyone I see in the parking lot has dress clothes on. It's odd how quickly my plain shirt made me self conscious, it had a nice bird pattern on it, but I felt like it might as well have been a "Hexed Clothing" t-shirt for how I felt.

As I walked inside I realized it was mostly a fluke, but more importantly, no one really cared. So the service kicked along. Sang "Our God is a God who saves" for the second time in as many days. Less really, did it just the night before. Coincidence? I am starting to believe in those less and less, at least when it comes to God.

By and large the service was . . . nothing spectacular. It was good mind you. But I just never felt floored. Never felt really engaged in the music. The message was good, but even as it spoke to my head, I couldn't feel it resonate. Honestly it may have just been me. Where I was. But . . .

Even so a few amazing things happened. First, I met a few people, and they introduced themselves to me imagine that. I sat next to this nice guy right around my age named Joseph and his female companion (wife, girlfriend). They've been about 3 times. At least 3 other people took note to come get my name and remember it. Considering how many places I've been recently, and this is the first time that happened. I'm impressed. I'm already planning on coming back.

At the end of the service there were people up front offering to pray for people. I tried to fight it, but I could feel the Holy Spirit practically dragging me up there. So I hook up with Dave, the tall ginger of a student ministries director. I tell him what I need prayer for and he just goes to town. I can feel it coming. God is listening.

After the service I happen to meet the pastor and he tells me to see his wife about the church's young adult group, that happens to meet on Sunday nights, convenient coincidence. I leave and putz around. Run errands, do work around the house, clean my room up a little and think of finishing painting it.

At 5:25 I'm over at the Allison's, surprisingly calm, just ready. I sit with Aaron for a few minutes and tell him a little of my story. Then people start arriving. And people I like. And people who are outgoing. And people who are excited to see me and to bring me in. None of the exclusion that can often come with Christian small groups. The discussion itself was great, and gave me a few stories I'll be writing about in a future post.

Afterward we went over to Drake's Creek to play softball in the dark. For a good 2 hours. I had a great night.

One interesting part was again being around attractive females. This time far more welcoming and engaging. There was one in particular that caught my attention. Very cute, dark hair, warm, nice, fit, open yet not over the top, and seemed to be almost asking me to flirt. But really . . . I couldn't have cared less. As of yet I want no one else. In fact every woman I meet makes me desire Heather more. Its as though their positive qualities magnify her own. Which would be great if she hadn't convinced herself she hates me because I'm a monster. Is this another coincidence?

The best of it, there are guys I really think I can get on with. I still don't know how long this will last, God keeps me in the dark on some things but . . . there is hope. There is promise. There is deliverance.

Lost in the Sound of Seperation

Lost in the Sound of Separation . . .

that describes how I've felt since my last post. It seems that as I try to draw near to God, as I need Him, in so many ways, He promises with His mouth and then holds me at arms length.

Wednesday night, church night. So I had a bevy of places to choose from. And at most of the places, multiple classes. So I choose one and I head out the door. Third megachurch in 4 days. This is becoming quite the habit. I park as close as I can to the door I think I need to go in, still walk 5 minutes. As I'm ambling down the well manicured but static hallway I notice the huge numbers of adolescents surrounding me. Two thoughts occur: One is how much I miss kids like these. Teenagers dying to live, dying to meet Christ. Oh how I miss the frontlines, or any lines. I want to save lives! Two is wondering where the people my age are.

Another few minutes down a hallway and I notice people hanging out in the coffeehouse and finally see a central help desk larger than most malls. Turns out my arrival is due to an out of date website. And its too late to go anywhere else.

Fast forward to Saturday. Its been ups and downs all week, mostly downs. I've struggled with bitterness over my situation with Heather and her family, and with God. He continues to make promises, and seemingly continues to deny me, indeed to actively thwart my efforts. Since last Sunday, everything I've done to reach out has ended poorly, usually with me feeling the exact opposite of what it was supposed to.

I've cursed for the first time in my prayer journal, which is actually good. I think I'm being real with Him for the first time. And there are other good things coming from this. My relationship with my mom and my brother are improving. I'm learning a lot about myself and my relationship with Christ. But still I need more.

So after a few more outreach mishaps I make my way to a worship service tonight (Saturday). I'm not sure if it was me . . . but . . . it was just empty. It shouldn't have been, there was throbbing excellent worship music, it was fresh but accessible. The message was delivered by the very smart and very funny Dave Ramsey, on money matters. But at the end . . . I felt just as far away, if not further. Far from God, from people. I've been to three churches in the last week, and no one has introduced themselves to me.

And I don't think this is isolated. I think churches everywhere, successful, growing, living churches are doing this. I'm not ever sure where these people are coming from. It just . . . there's something wrong with us, and we need to fix it.

It's something I noticed about me the other day. I was crying, for the first time in a few days. I was crying because I had no one. Literally no one to reach out to. And the people I had reached out to had turned me away. And I was thinking of how I've never really been loved by anyone. No one has told me they loved me and lived up to it. No one. And I was so sunk by that awful feeling of no one caring, no one but God. And I realized its partially my fault. No one has loved because I have not loved well. So its me too.

The solution . . . I'm not entirely sure. Ostensibly I know what it is. We have to love God better. We have to worship Him and be with Him more, so that we can love well as an overflow of that. That's part of why I wasn't better to Heather at the end, I had lost that ability to love rightly. But there are so many churches where people are really doing this . . . so where's the extra step?

God keeps making these promises. Soon He'll have to deliver.

The Truth Of It

Heather,

I'm not entirely sure what to say. To some extent it doesn't matter, for you will never read these words. But it does, because . . . somehow, I want you to hear them. To know my heart as you once did.

All worldly wisdom tells me to give up. Tells me to let go and move on. But God's promises are not for yesterday, or even today. They are forever.

Every promise God has ever made to us, everything He has ever said to us, everything He has done points to us being together. Answers He gave you before we met, answers He gave me. Things He whispered to us from your mouth, which I had to interpret. And since . . . the other night with Hosea.

My dear Heather, because of these promises God made, I made promises to you. I told you, "I love you." And more than a feeling, that is a promise. It says no matter what, I am sticking by you. I will not leave. I will not forsake. I will never give up.

Heather, I screwed up. I utterly failed to maintain my relationship with God. I let Him slip from me. The truth of it is that the man you fell in love with, the man you agreed to marry; you loved him. And that was me. But I let go, I became something else, and I'm sorry. But who I was . . . that was real. It is written into my prayer journal, it still resides in my heart. Here is an excerpt from my prayer journal:

" God You are so good. how great is Your care. Your watch and protection and providence.
Thank You God, for bringing me to this place. Surely it is how You deliver restoration in all. To be restored to sonship by Christ's blood. To be restored in heart with my lovely Heather. To be restored in purpose through your promises of work. You are so good God. MY God.
keep me near. Strengthen my heart as I hear it, that I might bear the weight. Keep your lessons of love on my heart, that I may never forget. Bless me Father. Your son seeks You."

I wrote that the morning of the day I told you I loved you for the first time.

Heather the truth of it is that I love you deeply and dearly and tenderly. And you have been imminently aware of this in the past. You used to speak of how much and how well I displayed my love. Whatever you have felt of me recently, remember this, my love for you was and is and will be true. Had I known . . . Heather had I known I would have done anything. I would do anything for you. I will do anything for you.

You have known my heart, and the depth and breadth of my love for you. I want to show you my heart again. The truth of how I love and desire the Lord. The truth of my warrior's heart that is strengthened to fight lies and insecurities.

I want no one else. I don't want to be with another woman alone on my wedding night. I don't want to wake up to someone else 40 years later. I don't want to spend a night in the hospital praying over my child holding another woman's hand. I don't want to be with some woman who doesn't say "Lord love a duck" when she's cold. And who doesn't love trees and Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and children's literature.

Heather . . . let me win your heart again.

How do I feel?

Jesus is on the throne.

I've been telling myself this all day . . . and I'm still just not feeling it. Every hour feels like a struggle. I miss my fiancee, my best friend, the woman I love. Knowing Jesus is on the throne, knowing the promises he has made; the end result of this is that I still miss her. I still want to speak to her, to hear her enchanting laugh, to smell her, to feel her silky hair against my fingers. I was planning something else for this post, but it is quickly turning into a love letter, for my absent love, who will not read it, and would not care if she did.

I kept busy today. I did everything I could think of. And here I am, the end of another day and I feel I have no purpose. It seems as though God is seriously intent on me not settling. Every effort I pursue here ends poorly. My home has been taken away, and He seemingly refuses to give me a new one. But alas, He is on the throne. If only that meant I didn't have to sigh.

All day, actually even since yesterday I was excited about tonight. I was going to find people my age and establish myself here. I was going to find community. And there was none. No group, only an out of date web page that led me astray. Too late to go anywhere else, even if there were somewhere else to go. But it just feels this place is not for me. So what?

I can't help but think with all the promises He has made that there is a reason; that this is temporary. But what is next? He knows, because He is on the throne. Whatever it is I am praying He delivers me quickly.

It seems I have misjudged what is going on here though. There is purpose for me here and now. He is shaping me and molding me, He is working in me. God is good.