Returning The Smile You Have Had From The Start

A song by emery. I've been listening to them all the time. Part of it is because of the lyrics. They write about stuff that just . . . feels right. And part of it is because the music is shiny.

I should be in bed. I've been having trouble getting up on Sundays and I haven't slept well the last two nights, so I should be in bed, but here I am, devoted to you people. Because there's stuff that needs out, that will be lost. I feel like tomorrow could be an incredible day, so I have to be ready.

I realized that I never talked about my subject of yesterday's title. Yesterday on the drive home I was thinking about those things I thought I'd heard from God lately, and how they seemed very ambiguous, which means they'd either require some pretty weighty intervention at the time, or the tasks weren't that big. So I was wondering how long I was supposed to keep on those things. Am I not supposed to hesitate about anything until something happens (pretty sure I've already hesitated lots, just ask the cute girl from the pizza parlor). What if it was the conversation with Rachel on Tuesday, or going to Knoxville? What if it was something else and I missed it? No I can't do anything about it, but invites this bigger question . . . am I missing God in a bigger way? How could I? There's barely anything else in my life.

Tonight was great, I hung out with Jenna, Sarah, and Michael, hearkening back to some very old and very good times.

I'm fairly certain Jenna gets better looking every time I don't see her for a while, which is impressive considering the start. She looked amazing. And she's great. And I think we all know where that leads me.

Speaking of which, I may have . . . . So last night I prayed before I went to bed, and I had a dream in which I saw an indistinguishable female in a certain (though blurry) outfit, at a particular place, who said a particular phrase (or perhaps had it said around her). Anyhow, I think it could be a signal, so I know something. It could be nothing.

And that combined with this other thing today could me God is turning me loose. There could be another woman just beyond the horizon. The other thing? Just this feeling . . . this need for a new story. I almost went and bought a movie or a game or something, just because I need to encounter a new story. And I had books upstairs to read with new stories, but for some reason they held no draw. They always do. Why not now? I know. Its thin. But . . . I'm trying. I know, I remember what I heard, I'm just praying and reaching for something else.

I must die to myself.

I was restless a lot of today, but I didn't spend much concentrated time with God. No time for listening. I don't know why. No it wasn't the best idea, but . . . He can speak tomorrow. I think I'm frustrated with Him.

I must die to myself.

There's this song by Thrice called 'Lullaby':

"What are we all living for?
If nothing’s worth dying for tonight
Your dreams are not enough
What I need is love
That’s worth laying down my life"

It intermingles with this other song by them called "Moving Mountains" where this guy talks about how great he is spiritually, with no understanding of love.

And there's this part of me that . . . hates the idea, if its really true, that God has told me to fight for Heather. There's this part that screams she's not worth it. That she has no idea what love is. That . . . that there's lots of thoughts there, that are very murky.

And part of me, just questions God. Why do I need someone? I have love worth dying for in You. I have purpose, I have love, I have everything. Now don't hear me wrong, this desire isn't constant. Its not burning or overpowering. Its more like lurking. You can feel it sometimes, and sometimes you forget it completely. And some things make it rear up and try to swallow you whole. But I don't want any of it, her or someone else. And yet I do . . . that's the problem.

I must die to myself.

If only I knew how. I seek You . . . what else is there?

Did I miss something?

So its Friday night and I've already had a full weekend. Being able to leave at 2 on Thursday helped.

I've had a great two days. Met some cool people, had a blast just hanging out, and then running around doing chillin with other people while they did errands. I've got really great stuff coming. Nothing is particularly heavy on me . . . and yet . . . .

I'm sorry to say that the most outward and spontaneously romantic moment of my life was spent with Zane.

I drove up to Knoxville to go see a free Dave Barnes concert, which happened to be at a festival kind of thing (I freaking love those), with Zane. In case you don't know, Dave Barnes writes ridiculously good songs, and a number of ridiculously good love songs. And he loves Jesus.

So we're there watching, and right as he says they're getting ready to play the last song. And it starts raining, a slow start that kept building. So as it slowly starts raining harder nearly everyone hoofs it towards their cars, while Zane and I move up closer. So we end up fairly close to the stage and it turns out the last song was actually the second to last song. Because then he plays his, arguably, most famous song, "Until You" which if you've never heard, you should go listen to.

So there we are at this kickin little street festival, set in this killer, hip square, listening to Dave Barnes play an amazing love song, in the rain. And all around us all these couples are dancing, and/or kissing. Seriously.

I still don't know how I felt. I . . . did I want to dance with the beautiful girl behind me in the blue dress? Did I want to just be dancing with anyone? Did I want Heather here for this? Did I want to kiss her under that rain and break out dancing? I wanted to do it. But who with?

On the way up I was listening to music and thinking. My line of thought hit on this place of wondering what I really had with her. Deep down inside do I actually want her? Or just what I thought I had? There's no doubt what I ultimately want. I just want my wife, whoever she is. That moment can't ever be gotten back and shared with her. And the likelyhood of it EVER being recreated is somewhere between "statistically insignificant" and the odds of Satan winning in a fight against Jesus.

So she should have been there. But that started me back on that path. I've been wrong before. I know what it feels like. And I know what it felt like to be with Heather.

And this urge to date won't freaking go away. And yet with all the extremely good looking women I was around Thursday night . . . . Not only did I never feel moved to ask any of them to dance in that perfect moment, or before, or after . . . . Not only that but, and I hate saying this. No one compared. Even girls that I knew were objectively more attractive. I just didn't care.

But I want to. I'm screaming at God to move my heart. And really it just goes back. I don't just want anyone. I just want to go ahead and find my wife. But its not this constant comsumingness. Its not like I'm trying to replace God, or think what I have is not enough. But moments like that . . . they'll do that. Thinking you've got it, coming so close. It'll do that.

Then while driving to Jeff City to spend the night I see this billboard. "Fight on . . . the best is yet to be." And under that it advertised that the billboard was available for rent. It wasn't even a real billboard.

And me . . . I want my heart to go elsewhere, or just to go somewhere. Anywhere. And yet I know what I've been told. And then I feel these things, and I see those moments brimming with such potential just die. And its hard. I don't want to do this. I want to think I heard wrong and not have this feeling. I want to say it would be okay to go elsewhere. I want it to be okay.

What the heck is this?!

But today I kicked it with Zane and Bradley, just cruising around Jeff City and surrounding, hanging out and looking at apartments for them. And I just felt . . . like me. Just good. So there's the upswing.

I am a bloody mess.

Why am I burdened with anything but You? Why can't it just be You and me?

Excuse me sir, I think you dropped your blog

Due to a new blog reader I went back and started reading some of the older stuff, skimming March and April. And two thoughts have sprung to mind.

1) I feel kind of pathetic. Going back and reading all the little comments about devotion to Heather and loving her and everything. I don't feel that crap, and it sucks to go back and read it and want to call myself names and feel stupid. To feel embarassed for ever having wanted to marry her. And yet . . . I know its not up to me. I am not in control. If I get told to do, I do.

2) I feel like somebody else wrote it all. I go back and read it and . . . it seems well written. It seems intelligent and inciteful, it seems really spiritual and well devloped, it seems funny and dramatic and honest and gripping. And I feel like someone else wrote it. I don't write like that. I don't feel like that's what I've written at the end of a post.

So you love me . . . big freaking deal.

I had this line I was going to use from an Underoath song, but then I found out the line wasn't quite what it sounds like, which is okay because I realized I didn't even want to express that sentiment. Sha-da!!

Yesterday was a killer day. I woke up relatively early, after going to bed relatively late, and yet felt relatively good, so it was all rather exciting.

I went over to spar for a little bit. I'm still not in fighting shape, I'm off of where I should be, but I felt good, and I had a spotter who said I looked good. Arms were really fast blah blah. But my legs felt slow. Especially my right leg, I felt like I couldn't get it anywhere, especially if I was trying for a knee.

Then I got home and cut down another tree (oh heck yes), and then started doing some work on other stuff, mostly the out of control bushes that surround the house.

When I got out of the shower I went to call Dan and realized my arm was shaking. I'd done so much in the last few days that I was that burnt out. Nice.

Dan and I met up for coffee (actually tea for both of us) and spent about an hour and half just chilling, which was great. I was a little nervous going in, kind of worried about forcing the relationship instead of letting it grow more oganically, but I just really need that guy. I need a guy my age that I can go deep with and who can be in my life. Anyhow, the time was great and it flowed really easily. It turns out he and I have a lot of similarities, and yet plenty enough differences. Its weird because the similarities are different than I've ever had with any good friend, and the differences are more and are varied from what I've had in the past. What a convoluted little phrase there. Nasty writing. Awful.

I came home and tried to work on this new song that is going absolutely nowhere and then headed to Kairos with Rachel and Bonnie, (Nick was caught up with work).

Kairos was . . . Kairos. The worship was incredible and I just jammed my heart up to God, and it was unidivided. I was a smitten and faithful lover.

Mike's message was great, and was filled with the usual bevy of great and poignant quotes. It held particular sway for Rachel because it dealt with Heaven and what it will be like, and we'd been talking about that on the way down. Just good stuff.

So the crazy part for me?! In the middle of his message Mike started talking about having a place, and God's love for us. How there is never a time He has not, does not, and will not love us. He talked about how excited God will be to see us and how much worth we have in His eyes. Which was crazy because I'd been thinking about that just the night before. Then it gets crazier, because tonight at CAKE, the theme was "So what are you worth?" Talking about how the world and our families shape our image and how God sees us. Yeah. Crazy. So God is telling me He loves me.

Tonight I was talking with Zane about this whole, urge to date vs. the message of the fight. And then I was reading over the notes from Kairos and I have to quotes where Mike says "Revelation is written to people who feel like giving up." So what's the odds its a coincidence that's what he was teaching on when I started going there? Anyone? Then he said something about staying strong. That just frusterates me. I finally learned the name of the girl from GodWhy. Apparently she helps with their youth program and came in to retreive golf clubs and she was wearing a name badge, which was helpful. And . . . I'm frusterated. I know what I've been told. I don't know what I want. It doesn't even matter. I have to die to that. Even so last night I started praying. I started asking God if I could take interest in Alissa's friend, Amber, that is coming to visit, asking about all these different avenues. I didn't get anything. And even, even if I knew where to go, or if I could, I have these other thoughts. This GodWhy girl, would I like her at all if I spoke to her? How would I proceed, I'm at a weird stage in terms of approaching females. I'm pretty sure I'd be on about a 7 year approach at this rate. Might as well be working for Laban. But still . . . . I'm just not even sure of what to say here.

There was this great moment after Kairos. All three of us just sat there. I just . . . I didn't even have any specific thoughts, I just didn't want to leave God's presence.

So you know from the last post I went to spend time with God last night. What'd I hear?

"You will be before me." - Interesting, doesn't it usually go the other way?

"Come" Alright . . . where? "I will show you. You must be ready."

"I am the Lord of Lords."

Why am I always looking for more when God speaks to me right now?

I play this game sometimes with my Facebook status. I put up quotes from lyrics or movies, and there's always something to be found. Sometimes its just to see if anyone knows where its from. Sometimes its because I feel the next line, or the overall message of the song, and I like subtle clues. I've never told anyone about it, and yet I've had people figure it out and play. Fairly impressive.

God loves you. A lot. Don't ever forget it. And if you ever need reminded, just ask me.

The dumbest of dumbs

I am restless again. But I don't feel like going to spend time with God. Why? Because I've already spent lots of time with Him tonight.

I am the dumbest of dumbs.

Obviously, I am about to go spend time with Him, thereby overcoming my stupidity.

This is the day

The Lord is good. The Lord God is mighty. The Lord reigns forever and ever.

I don't know the significance of the title, only where it came from. When I sat here to write that song just popped into my head. Its been a great day. Its been an amazing weekend. If God keeps giving me days like this . . . my heart might explode. I'd die happy.

I cut down a tree today. Actually it was better than that. I chopped to the brink with an axe (actually a wood splitter so it was tough going) and then wrapped a chain around it and pulled it down with my leather work glove covered hands. Heck freaking yes. And I'm doing another one tomorrow.

Then it was barbecue ribs with the fam, frisbee golf with Nick, and hanging out at Kolby's with my friends all day chillin around the pool and then playing poker. Friggin sweet.

Today Nick and I were talking on the golf course and he asked me how things were going for me . . . romantically. And I just laughed. But then he brought it back and called me out for not answering the question. So I told him about the letter. And I told him about my urge to date. And he said that if that's what I felt, I should do it. In my head everything just clicked. I told him no and I talked to him about feelings and circumstances being potentially misleading. And then I said something I really liked. I told him this was forcing me to hold true to what I believe theologically, and live it out. That I believe God speaks and we need to listen, and everything that stands against that, even things which can sometimes be God speaking, are forfeit against that message (though obviously the message can change, but that would take big signs and other confirmation since it involves a change). So here I am faced with knowing, KNOWING I was told to fight for this woman who doesn't want me to and that I don't want to. And having a desire to do otherwise and meet/date someone else. And I have this perfect opportunity to live out what I believe, in a real and hard way. I have a way to be true to the idea that if your faith doesn't change who you are and what you do, you're not doing it right. I looked at him and said, "This is a test, and I'm having fun with it. I'm enjoying it." Oh heck yes. It feels so good.

I feel like I'm in this great place right now. The pieces are shaping up, things are looking good, blessings are coming and more are looking like they could flood in at any minute. I'm really, really, really happy.

So when I got home tonight I felt pretty restless. And I figured I needed to go and spend some time with God. Maybe worship, maybe just pray and try to listen. But I didn't . . . because? I don't know. I played video games, but I did terrible, like, unrighteously bad, so I stopped. I went upstairs and turned my lights off and put on some music. I started by doing some more straight reading (I'm doing the Bible cover to cover) and then layed down to listen. And I'm pretty confident about everything I heard.

Almost immediately I heard, "You wil be" so I asked what. "My one" He said. Still not sure what that means, but its pretty exciting right. The other night at Kairos Mike talked about the the two witnessess from Revelation who will terrorize humanity in the end times, being able to call plagues and wrath and death at will to punish humanity for their rebellion . . . and I want to be one of those guys. Maybe that's what it is. I hope so, but I kind of doubt it.

But I knew it wasn't over.

Next, "I am coming" so of course I ask how soon. "Very soon, son" saweet.

What about Heather Lord. "Don't give up. You must fight."

Then I kind of drifted off to sleep. I awoke a few minutes later and knew I had more to hear. I turned over and prayed to hear Him.

"I am the Lord your God." What a great phrase. And I grabbed on to that voice, I had to listen only to it.

I asked God if I should ask anyone out or anything along those lines, "You must not do this." Poopy.

Then I was quiet, I didn't want to prompt, I just wanted to hear. I suddenly felt lighter, and then a picture of Nashville came before my eyes, as though God and I were standing together over it. "I will give you this. It will be yours." Not sure how that will play out, but whoa right?

Now I'd been expecting to be given a specific task, like calling Heather or going up to work week or summer staff or calling someone. So I asked about that. "I have given you tasks. You must see to them."

Then I asked about three specific people who came upon my heart, and heard things about them. One of them was Heather, who is the only one I don't plan on relating what God said to me, to her that is, you guys unfortunately don't get to hear any of it.

I asked God about fighting, about if I should try to contact Heather. "Write the blog."

But I knew there was something else so I waited again.

"There will come a time . . . soon. I will be there. Do not hesitate."

So crazy, but amazing. I'm unsure about most of it, but I'm excited it happened and I'm really looking forward to seeing where it goes.

Afterwards I came down to write this, and got into a great conversation with Brian. Not my biological brother, but my Christ-brother. We talked about where he was and some other things. And he thanked me for praying for him and told me I was an amazing brother. My eyes got a little tear and I just thanked him for saying so. And it brought something to mind.

On Sunday night at group Aaron had us take like 3 minutes to encourage someone. And I remember last year at LC when Kools pushed us to start encouraging people daily. And I realized Christians need to be better about that. As brothers and sisters we need to be better about reflecting God's love and His gifting to others. We need to lift them up and remind them how He sees them and how we see Him in them. We need to hear that stuff.

And I realized that when God started out tonight and just said I would be His, I was kind of dissapointed, but why should I have been? What could be more wonderful to hear than God speaking and just saying, "I love you. You are wonderful." What a gift.

Later Brian revealed he has been reading the blog, which I didn't know, and he proceeded to give me a compliment he has given me a few times before that always humbles me. "The best part about you is your honesty." Brian always tells me I'm honest. He has told me he appreciates me shooting straight. About how I am and what I think, and about what others need to hear.

When Brian and I met I'd recently started this thing where I wanted to be more honest. I never wanted to speak about something real flippantly. I never wanted to incorrectly answer the question "how are you?" out of cultural reverence or misconstrue how I felt about something by saying "love" when I meant "like". And I was starting this journey and that month at LC I really hit it hard. And I never spoke what I didn't mean, and I always shared what I did. And he saw it, and so did others. But Brian was the one who made it a point of recognizing it and encouraging me, and its always stuck with me. Every time I face a situation where my honesty could be compromised, I think of him. Every time I have to deal with how I feel, even if its just for me, I check against that knowledge of who God has made me, and I see if I'm being true to it.

And that is one of the gifts we can give with encouragement. We can give life. We can let someone see themselves from God's view. We can help someone stay the course of who they are meant to be.

The Lord is good. His love endures forever. Tomorrow will be a great day. I can just feel it. And I love that feeling.

Holy freaking amazing-explosion crapness (part 2)

It started Friday night, with this girl who goes to GodWhy. And then yesterday whith this girl I met. And then tonight, from a freaking billion places. Girls from my past and present and all this hooplah. Multiple girls I swore to myself I'd never ask out. I knew I shouldn't. But really, my urge to date is through the roof.

And when I think about it . . . yes I feel bad. But not like I'd be cheating. Like I'd be rebelling. This isn't about Heather, forget her. This is about God. That's why I'm fighting.

I've been listening emery all the freaking time the last few days, especially this one song called "Studying Politics," which is about the guy's girlfriend cheating on him, but except for one line is really applicable to any betrayal. And there's this one line. "You'd like to think that you're the best/ part of me, but I confess/ there is nothing left of you here." And sure as crap that's where I am. I was kind of there before the letter, but now . . . . This whole fighting thing has nothing to do with her. I don't think she's worth it. I don't want to. But God said it, so I'm doing it.

But that urge to date. Would it be so wrong? Alissa has a friend coming in to town soon, and I can only imagine how cute that girl will be. For reals. What freaking crap.

So anyhow, the letter did not ruin my Friday. I didn't even think about it the rest of the night. I just went and hung out and had an amazing night. Talking with and meeting people. Then sitting around the fire and doing more of that. And then singing songs from my tween and teenage years with the other older ones. So great. And I kept eyeing "girl who's name I don't know yet," and she was totally doing it to. Oh well right?

So I get home pretty late on Friday night but I decide to spend some time with God. And I'm praying and reading. And I ask God about this whole fight thing, and He takes me to Ezekial 2, which talks about taking a message to a rebellious people, and speaking regardless of if they listen. And then He takes me to Psalms, where the psalmsist talks about his enemy rebelling against God, not directly, but just because he attacked the psalmist. (You go after God's kids, you go after Him.) So then He leads me to 2 Chronicles 29, which talks about Hezekiah. And I read a little bit but I don't get much out of it.

So I close my Bible and open it again, this time to 2 Kings 19 . . . which is also about Hezekiah. So now I'm thinking . . . alright, I guess you wanted me to know this was for me and not just random. So in the story this king named Sennacherib wants to kill Hezekiah and destroy Judah and Jerusalem, and he sends Hezekiah a letter to that effect, part of which tells H not to be decieved by his god. And then verse 14-19:

"Hezekiah received the letter from the messengers and read it. Then he went up to the temple of the Lord and spread it out before the Lord. And Hezekiah prayged to the Lord: 'O Lord, God of Israel, enthroned between the cherubim, you alone are God over all the kingdoms of eath. You have made heaven and earth. Give ear, O Lord, and hear; open your eyes O Lord, and see; listen to the words Sennacherib has sent to instul the living God. It is true, O Lord, that the Assyrian kings have laid wase these nations and their lands. They have thrown their gods into the fire and destroyed the, for they were not gods but only wood and stone, fashioned by men's hands. Now, O Lord our God, deliver us from his hand, so that all kingdoms on earth my know that you alone, O Lord, are God."

And I knew it was for me. So I vowed to do it, I said to myself that soon I would have private worhsip time and I'd do what Hezekiah did.

Saturday was great. My mom and brother and I went down to this barbeque at the school for the bling in Donelson. Then I goofed around in the afternoon and then we had Jonathan's birthday party over at Dan and Alissas. Freaking fun as all get out. I laughed so hard.

I got up late but still made it to church early, so excited to be there and to worship and draw close to God. And worship was amazing. I had this undivided heart and just sang out and could feel God, so close and so loving. And Aaron's message was good and encouraging, again about Joseph and how God plans to prosper us. And then the prayer time at the end. And I felt God calling me, and low and behold I'd accidently slipped the letter into my Bible along with some other papers in the rush to leave.

So I took it up and spread it out on the stage (altar). I opened my Bible and read Hezekiah's prayer, personalizing it. Then I read the whole story 3 or 4 for times over and then just bowed my head and prayed.

And that was it. Nothing happened, no word from God. But I did what I was supposed to and I feel great.

Functionally the rest of the day was great. Little nap and some video games, lunch at Shane's with my moms. First young adults in the church's new space, which was a good time. We had some new people and really opened up and learned and enjoyed each other, a great time. Then some of us grabbed some food and went to see the new Terminator movie.

But today had even more crazy awesomeness. One line of Aaron's message pointed out how God took Joseph from a prisoner to the ruler of Egypt in an hour, and he said God could do that for us.

And then this after noon two amazing things happen. My brother tells me this woman who knows this guy Brian works for wants somebody to help her out the same way he does. So that's not a great opportunity, but its very solid.

And then I get an email from Jenn, the head of CAKE at GodWhy.

"Zack - Hi, It's Jenn from GodWhy. It has come to my attention that you have some experience with youth centers/ministries/shelters/events. So, I wanted to invite you on an adventure. A business man from our church lives in Westmorland and noticed a lack of activities for youth and young adults in the area. He has built a building to somewhat immolate Rockettown, and their ministry. He hired a director from CA, and he has done nothing and now has bailed, leaving this man with a building opening in two months, and no marketing, plans, contacts, touching base with principals, bands, etc.. No decor, paint, hours, or staff. Money is not the issue with this guy, and his heart is awesome, but he [needs help putting everything together]. So, last week I assembled a team to get EVERYTHING together over the summer and open in August. Yes, there are employment opportunities, but no promises. There is a great adventure though! If you are interested in giving input, or helping in any way let me know.
Jenn"

Bam!!! And just earlier in the day and yesterday I was struggling with wanting a purpose and adventure. And then . . . God is freaking crazy!!! And this opporunity is near perfect. I have experience with all that stuff and . . . just nuts man. Its far less solid but . . . it seems so possible. God is good.

Then when I get back tonight I have this great conversation with Jill. And with three good friends from high school I've been out of contact with for a long time, and I have plans to see them all sometime this week. See . . . holy freaking explosion of amazing.

So anyhow, pray for me dear friends. God is dangling these blessings, enough that they could crush me. He is so good!

Holy freaking amazing-explosion crapness (part 1)

Today definitely ranks as one of my top non-Young Life camp days ever. Just so freaking good. Its been a great weekend too. I wish every weekend could be more like this.

I'd been looking forward to Friday for a long time. GodWhy's young adult group, CAKE, was having a cookout. I'm not sure I can get across how excited I was to go and be a part of and get to meet some new people and get to know those people better.

Now a little primer for what comes next. I've still been dealing with feeling closed off and kind of dulled out. Like I'd turned my brain or my heart off to just get rid of everything. And I was watching the Simpsons, which I never watch because I haven't found it funny in years, but I was. And Homer prayed to God and asked him for a sign to tell him a particular thing. And then a guy puts out a sign that has the words Homer had just used. And I thought, wouldn't it be great if God would do something like that for me. And I hadn't really been struggling with any of this stuff, but still I just thought it would be nice. Really cut the confusion.

So on Friday I spend the whole day feeling manly because I did yard work and helped my brother burn this GIANT brush pile in the backyard. And I carried a log with a freaking chain. It doesn't get much better than that.

Later I worked out (don't ask where the energy came from) and went to Publix to get ingrediants to make this sweet mexi-dip I do (original recipe thank you very much). On my way back I look over to my left and see a church sign. I hate those freaking corny church letter signs, and that church is always bad. But without even making a decision I suddenly realize I've read their sign. And it said, "You can't celebreate victory until you've fought the battle." And I'm like, ha, that's funny cause . . . wait . . . what?

And still a part of me wants to chalk it up to coincidence and reading into things.

I am just a leaf in the wind.

Then I get home and find a small package from Heather. Inside is the ring I proposed with and a letter.

I got kind of worked up. I was so worried about reading it. I was so nervous I'd be really upset and it would ruin my night. At first I just set it aside and said I wasn't going to read it. I mean she sent the ring, I knew what it said. But I'm so curious, I just had to read it. And here's what it said:

"Zach,
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write this. I am sorry for all the pain I have cause you. If I had only stayed true to my uncertainty, when you gave me the ultimatum of committing to marry you, and let you break up with me, none of this would've have happened. [Interjection by Zach: that is a little distorted, that is not what happened] But I was naieve, so naieve in the world of love. So I fought to keep you because I wanted it to work. But then I began to bury things and I lost myself. Zach if we are truely honest with ourselves then we can easily see how deeply unhappy we both were. You cannot say that it was for lack of a job that you were unhappy, or at least not the entirity of it. No, we are not compatible. Remember all our differences and remember and think on all my flaws but most especially on that one deep flaw that you saw in me, but would never tell me. It started as a fairy tale for me, but I must be completely honest, by January I was a shadow of myself and completely miserable, although it was buried so deep I didn't acknowledge it. I know you were too. So I cannot marry you, nor can we have any kind of relationship in the future. Release me from your heart. I want so much for you to be happy, successful and have a good life. God has the power and wants to heal and restore you. I am sorry that I have to block communication so completely, but it is necessary for us both to heal and move on in the new and separate ways God calls us.
Goodbye"

Let me preface everything I am about to say with this. I've struggled with this as I've been following Christ, but all my life I've been really, really good at getting to people. If I want someone to hurt, they will. I know what to say, I know what to do. Its a terrible gift. And I have to fight really hard to not do those things. When I first called Al and told him about all this, he said he knew I wasn't the type, but I shouldn't speak ill of her in case we got back together. And then God tells me to fight, and I can't speak against her. But this letter makes me want to. It makes me want to say all kinds of mean things. And do mean things. I even thought about resealing it in an identical envelope and mailing it back to look like I hadn't read it, because I know that would bake her noodle. And I know other things I could do. And my urge to bear my fangs is pretty severe. But I'm biting my tongue, even here.

What's amazing though, really amazing, is that it didn't bug me. Yeah I've gotten a little mad at her at times. And right afterwards I did ask God if I'd heard right in my prayer journal. But I really wasn't that upset. Almost as soon as I finished it I went downstairs and was laughing with my mom. And hasn't really come back since. I'm not burying it. I just don't care. It doesn't bug me. At all.

If God will reconcile us then everything she said doesn't mean crap. And if not . . . well . . . I just don't care. If not those words mean nothing.

Now I'm not going to say much about the letter, because I want your thoughts, but I'll say this. I'm not sure its genuine. Just read it two ways, one as she honestly believes everything, and one as her being so naive that she sent me an "its not you, its me" letter. Either way, there is this shifting reality of what the cause for all this is. Which is pretty funny . . . and sad.

Another thing I want to say is this. I think its abosolutely histerical how well I know that woman. You should all remember me saying recently how I got the urge to call and tell her how I really felt. Its because I knew that she'd take me contacting her the wrong way. The last day we talked she told me I was fighting for her because I just couldn't let go. How insulting. What would I do if I loved you? So when I called her that night, I knew what she'd think. That I was hurting and miserable without her and blah blah blah. And then she tells me to move on and ask God to heal me. And that part kind of bugs me. How dare she assume to know how I feel and where I've been. I've asked for that plenty. It makes me want to tell her how many times I've asked God if He was sure about her. How many times I've lamented over haivng to fight for her. And this letter went a long way in me complaining to God that she wasn't worth it. But despite that anger, its still funny that I knew that's what she'd think.

It makes me think, I have lamented hear about her not talking to me, but I've realized this is no different than when we were together. She never listened to me then either. Almost every time we had an argument or something, we'd have to go through at least 5 rounds of me restating myself because she heard who knows what.

So you all read and give me your impressions. And as for whether its genuine I really just meant the part where she focueses on her flaws instead of taking me to task. Either way . . . I think the letter is kind of pathetic. Sorry if that's too harsh, its just the way it is. She didn't even sign her name.

So tonight I was talking to Jill, who I seriously love dearly, and we were talking about the letter, and I told her something I'd been thinking for a while but this letter really solidifies for me. She doesn't mention God or prayer but once, and then only as a cultural invocation, just like politicians. "We're praying for you in this time." "We're praying for your future." "God bless America." Cultural religion. Meaningless.

My dog is dreaming right now, he is very quietly barking and growling. Hilarious.

Anyhow it brought me back to something that's been on my mind a lot. Christians need to quit approaching dating in this way. We need to quit weighing personality traits and compatabilities. We need to quit looking at mistakes and making them deal breakers. We need to pray. And then we need to listen. And whatever God says, that's it. No matter what. Just like anything else. We can be such idiots. I'm sure Hosea didn't want to marry Gomer, but he did as he was told.

Along the same lines, my urge to date is through the roof.

Blooger.com

It turns out that I do not keep this on "blooger.com," which is kind of sad, because that would be great.


Haha, I started this post on Tuesday night . . . or Wednesday night . . . I don't know, it is now late Saturday and I'm coming back to it. With at least one more post I HAVE to write, though perhaps not tonight.

I was in such a loopy mood when I started this, I was going nuts, but now I've calmed down a little. Not much though.

So Tuesday night was great. Rachel was indisposed for good reason, Nick was stuck in Clarksville doing crap, and Bonnie was under the weather (literally, a little black rain cloud was following her.) I thought about not going to Kairos, but then I realized how stupid that was. Church is church. Worship is worship, whether you know anyone or not. "There are no strangers of God."

But it did make me aware of something, in combination with a question my mom asked me. We had not met anyone from Kairos. Now some of that is obviously the nature of the setup. (i.e. size and small group basis) it doesn't create organic relationship initiations. But some of it is the age group. Young adults, in general, don't reach out to the people right around them. No one turns and talks to the people around them they don't know. And its crap. Why do we do that?

By and large our generation is pretty bad at relationships, at inception and long term maintenance. We don't reach out. And then relationships that we do have, if they are not forcibly entwined are not pursued. Nearly everyone has problems with calling people, or even writing emails, with friends that they don't see on a regular basis. I've known that part of things for a long time, and I think I've figured part of it out. The possibility of communication is so open and available to our generation that we become apathetic. Because there is no real effort that physically has to be made (letter writing, land line calling) we do not make the emotional commitment it takes to use the "easy" methods (instant messengers, email).

Even immediate relationships are impeded by texting and data phones. Those advancements allow us to be everywhere, so that we may be truly nowhere.

Now I say we had not because I met these two dudes. Ben and Mark. They were sitting in front of me, but I honestly forgot their names (I'm usually so good with names). But then when I left I needed to get gas (I was lucky I made it down there) and they stopped at the gas station, so it was a pretty cool moment. Makes me wonder, ya know?

The service itself was great. There were no startling revelations or great calls, it was just a good, uplifting service. As good as it gets without ripping at your core. The worship was unreal. So passionate and heartfelt. It was wonderful. And my heart and head were so clear for it. very exciting.

Mike's message was good. I'm not sure I can identify a main point. I know I can't identify any great things that just spoke to me and cleared/stirred my heart. There were lots of great quotes, lots of great thisng that did give little stirrings, that I wondered if I was missing my grand point. It was great, just different.

I've been thinking lately how I've quit doing what I know this will one day have to really be. Actual spiritual reflections. Great things that need to be shared, because I became focused on the break up and the fight and all that crap. Rightfully so because its a big charge, and it matters, and I still have no freaking clue what to do. But its kind of crappy that I was not prone to write more about Mike's message.

He had this one quote I just loved. "When God says it, it is." Think of creation, think of prophecies where God tells of coming destruction in the present tense. Nothing can stand against Him.

So why am I worried about this fight? But am I really worried? I don't even think about it anymore. I don't have anything to do for it. I don't really want to be doing it. But I haven't been told any different. Whatever . . . right?

This weeks' been weird, ending great though. Absolutely amazing. I'm still feeling . . . feeling like I'm not quite where I need to be. Like something is missing, like I don't totally feel. I don't write in my prayer journal as much, I don't think as much. Its weird, I don't know what to do really.

I only have two thoughts to relate from the past week about "her" and that whole situation. So I got told to fight, I'm pretty comfortable not doubting that, and I seem to be told these other things, about how it ends . . . so what the heck is up? If this is what I'm getting, what the heck is going on with her? What is she hearing?

Also . . . I'm worried . . . I'm worrid about what happens when . . . if . . . this is wrong. About if the real future Mrs. Frank or someone who knows her is seeing all of this, reading all of this, and its just going to make a mess of things. What a joke.

Oh well, I know what I was told. Not sure what to do with it, but I know what I was told.

So I have a lot to talk about, about Friday and Sat, about more things that happened and some thoughts. Things you all definitely want to know. So how do I enticed you to come back and read more? With this:

On Friday I got a letter from Heather.

"Tell me are you free?" - 'Firebreather' by Thrice

News flash: I disappeared for almost a week. Oh really? Yes really. Spectacularo.



I come back here again to write, and I have a sense of trepidation. I'm not even totally sure about what. Do I have anything to say? I'm already starting to feel worse. I don't want to put out. urrrgh.



So what's the last week been like? Crap. Pretty much. Or not, it wasn't that bad. I don't know.



I did some fighting this week, with a finishing record of 1 submission, 2 TKOs, and 2 KOs, so that was pretty swell.



And Tuesday should have been an upswing. Kairos was legit. The worship was great and Mike's message was as good as you expect. But no post. Why? It just didn't stick.



It should have . . . as I look back at the message was, it should have stuck. Mike was talking about the next section of Revelation, where the seven angels pour out bowls of God's wrath on the earth. And the main point? Don't get confused in the darkness and end up on the wrong side, because God always wins. Yeah. I should have cried. I didn't.



I wrote down a bunch of little quotes and paraphrases from it. "Whatever you are facing, if God put you in the fight, victory is yours." "Joshua used the weapon of worship." -Which still strikes me because a few times lately I've been led to reading about Joshua. "If you're on His team, you win. Game over. Don't even bother."



Included in the passage is a description of evil spirits appearing as magic frogs that come and deceive rulers and kings and everyone. And right after this is a warning from Jesus. "Don't take your [white robes] off. Remember what I told you." Mike talked about how people always give in. They always say everyone else must be right, and they just line up behind the frogs, on the wrong team, going against the one who had won before the battle ever begins.



And inside I knew. I knew it was speaking to where I was. All the doubt, in the face of what I could not deny. That all of it was just distracting me from the truth. But before we even left . . . it just faded. It made no lasting impression, it was all just academic.



And the week just kind of droned on.



At some point I realized I wasn't really alive. Technically I was, but I wasn't living. I was just wasting. I wasn't spending time with God. I wasn't doing anything or working for anything or living for anything. I wasn't spending time with God. On Thursday I had one short entry in my prayer journal.



On Friday I couldn't take it anymore. That night I knew what I had to do, what I should have done long ago, what I should have done Monday. I worshiped. Starting in my prayer journal:



"I don't want to meet with You right now. But I need to, I have to, I am dead inside.
I am coming to worship You, and drink You in.
Come fill me up.
Hear my cries and deliver me."

I put on music and just sang and read and wrote. And it took a long time. But it worked. Eventually I was feeling again, even if just a little. I tried to listen for something, in case God had a specific direction for me, but I heard nothing. I was so far out I really just needed Him.

While letting God guide me to something to read, I came upon the story of Joseph, and read it from beginning to end.

So I was finally a little better, but I still wasn't where I wanted. (I'm still not quite. I still feel a little closed off). After everything . . . I don't know why but I asked, "God am I still supposed to fight?"

I opened my Bible to Deuteronomy 20. The chapter is titled "Going to War." And is a list of commands for preparation when the Israelites went to fight. And still, there's this little voice inside that doubts. "You shouldn't be fighting" it says. "You're reading your desires into everything" it says.

Saturday . . . I won't go in to, but some stuff happened, mostly familial, and it was just a crappy day. I poured my heart out in my pj before I went to sleep. Begging God to meet with me on Sunday, to build me up.

Church this morning was good. The worship was spirit filled and freeing. I was able to just let go and draw near to God, even though I still felt a little distant. Then Aaron got up to speak. Today he began a series on the story of Joseph.

This is dulled amazement.

He just did the first bit today, up to where Joseph is sold to the Ishmaelites. He talked about "seasoning" and how God calls us to great 'dreams' (as successes) and how people will stand in the way, but everything is just building us up for a greater reward. Its kind of crazy, but I didn't really feel awestruck by it. I just banked it. So stupid.

In the afternoon I was wasting time and decided to get on CristianityToday.com to check out their men's devotional, which I sometimes do, but haven't for a few days (about a week). The devotional was about marriage and being a good husband and God's design of compatibility. Those devotionals are never so specific, they are made to appeal to men at every stage. I refuse to read anything into it, but it is interesting.

At some point I realized I'd just shut everything off. This whole week, even today, not reacting to things. I just shut my brain off and locked my heart away. Sam called me on Saturday and wanted to talk. I didn't answer. I just spent the whole week in this little puddle of apathy and rebellion.

And still I've had thoughts about her. I can't stop them, though I often have wished I could. I found myself more than one day this week wishing I'd never met her. Realizing we were closer before we met than we are now. I sometimes wanted to call her and tell her what I really thought of her. And sometimes I wanted to call and tell her I wanted to do that, thinking maybe it would shake something loose and we could begin talking. Mostly I've just wanted to close off more, to have an opportunity to reject her. Just total crap.

I'm still leery that I'll ever speak to her again. Something about that is crazy, but I'm not sure if its not being certain I won't, or even considering that I won't look into her lovely eyes and hear her wonderful words. Something is crazy though.

Last week I asked God a few times how I was to fight, and three times He directed me to different passages concerning a messenger. One was John the Baptist preceding Jesus. The others were more independent. So I've come to like that idea, of someone else just going and convincing her of . . . . But I haven't given any though to who or how or whether I can even do anything. Can't someone just fix all this?

Oh well . . . for now I just have to hunker down, because I have to fight and I have no idea how long it will take.

Tonight college group was canceled, so I went to GodWhy for a free dinner and a just guys young adult thing. It was pretty sweet, but nothing spiritually striking. There was this really, really good looking young lady who was vying for my attention, but we didn't officially meet. Its funny though, how things change. Whereas a few weeks ago I couldn't stray if I tried, from a woman who won't speak to me, now I have new elements of the fight I have to contend with. She's the third attractive woman I've encountered this week, after meeting two earlier in the week.

And there's this part of me that wants to chase something else. Even while part of me thinks I'll just one day have to tell her I couldn't stay "that" sure things weren't over. Just for the fun, just for the company. But I guess its just new layers of the fight. If so that means its getting harder. But I am handling it better.

I went to a visitation today, I'm going to the funeral tomorrow, for a friend's brother. I realized while I was at the visitation that this will be my first funeral in a little over a year. Which is the longest I've gone without going to a funeral since my dad's when I was eight. 16 years.

The last funeral I went to . . . I've never told anyone about this. It was for a teen in South Carolina. A kid that didn't go to the church I worked at. I just met him out and about, and was trying to get him involved in the group. I was trying to get him saved, because he wasn't. And I didn't make it. And I had to lie about who I was to go because no one knew me. I just sat in the back, waiting to cry until I left.

While I was thinking about all those funerals over all those years, I realized that in a lot of ways I've had a very hard life, with lots of very difficult parts. And I started hoping that eventually, I'd just hit a nice patch. A good long stretch where my troubles were so much smaller.

At some point this week I realized I've dealt with what is probably clinical level depression. And I was going through it part of the time she and I were together. I'd like to think if she knew things would be different. But it was just to hard for her, she had to find excuses to leave. She won't listen. I'd like to say I'm at peace with that, but I'm not allowed to be. I have to make my blood boil and build hope and not care about the pain.

I realize this all sounds kind of depressing, but that's not how I feel. I'm in a good mood right now. I'm excited about getting up early tomorrow to run some errands. I'm excited about . . . whatever is coming. I'm excited about the fight. I'm excited about victory.

Its important that we remember who is going to be on the throne when the dust settles. Are you on the right side? Or have you lined up behind a dancing frog?