Holy freaking amazing-explosion crapness (part 1)

Today definitely ranks as one of my top non-Young Life camp days ever. Just so freaking good. Its been a great weekend too. I wish every weekend could be more like this.

I'd been looking forward to Friday for a long time. GodWhy's young adult group, CAKE, was having a cookout. I'm not sure I can get across how excited I was to go and be a part of and get to meet some new people and get to know those people better.

Now a little primer for what comes next. I've still been dealing with feeling closed off and kind of dulled out. Like I'd turned my brain or my heart off to just get rid of everything. And I was watching the Simpsons, which I never watch because I haven't found it funny in years, but I was. And Homer prayed to God and asked him for a sign to tell him a particular thing. And then a guy puts out a sign that has the words Homer had just used. And I thought, wouldn't it be great if God would do something like that for me. And I hadn't really been struggling with any of this stuff, but still I just thought it would be nice. Really cut the confusion.

So on Friday I spend the whole day feeling manly because I did yard work and helped my brother burn this GIANT brush pile in the backyard. And I carried a log with a freaking chain. It doesn't get much better than that.

Later I worked out (don't ask where the energy came from) and went to Publix to get ingrediants to make this sweet mexi-dip I do (original recipe thank you very much). On my way back I look over to my left and see a church sign. I hate those freaking corny church letter signs, and that church is always bad. But without even making a decision I suddenly realize I've read their sign. And it said, "You can't celebreate victory until you've fought the battle." And I'm like, ha, that's funny cause . . . wait . . . what?

And still a part of me wants to chalk it up to coincidence and reading into things.

I am just a leaf in the wind.

Then I get home and find a small package from Heather. Inside is the ring I proposed with and a letter.

I got kind of worked up. I was so worried about reading it. I was so nervous I'd be really upset and it would ruin my night. At first I just set it aside and said I wasn't going to read it. I mean she sent the ring, I knew what it said. But I'm so curious, I just had to read it. And here's what it said:

"Zach,
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write this. I am sorry for all the pain I have cause you. If I had only stayed true to my uncertainty, when you gave me the ultimatum of committing to marry you, and let you break up with me, none of this would've have happened. [Interjection by Zach: that is a little distorted, that is not what happened] But I was naieve, so naieve in the world of love. So I fought to keep you because I wanted it to work. But then I began to bury things and I lost myself. Zach if we are truely honest with ourselves then we can easily see how deeply unhappy we both were. You cannot say that it was for lack of a job that you were unhappy, or at least not the entirity of it. No, we are not compatible. Remember all our differences and remember and think on all my flaws but most especially on that one deep flaw that you saw in me, but would never tell me. It started as a fairy tale for me, but I must be completely honest, by January I was a shadow of myself and completely miserable, although it was buried so deep I didn't acknowledge it. I know you were too. So I cannot marry you, nor can we have any kind of relationship in the future. Release me from your heart. I want so much for you to be happy, successful and have a good life. God has the power and wants to heal and restore you. I am sorry that I have to block communication so completely, but it is necessary for us both to heal and move on in the new and separate ways God calls us.
Goodbye"

Let me preface everything I am about to say with this. I've struggled with this as I've been following Christ, but all my life I've been really, really good at getting to people. If I want someone to hurt, they will. I know what to say, I know what to do. Its a terrible gift. And I have to fight really hard to not do those things. When I first called Al and told him about all this, he said he knew I wasn't the type, but I shouldn't speak ill of her in case we got back together. And then God tells me to fight, and I can't speak against her. But this letter makes me want to. It makes me want to say all kinds of mean things. And do mean things. I even thought about resealing it in an identical envelope and mailing it back to look like I hadn't read it, because I know that would bake her noodle. And I know other things I could do. And my urge to bear my fangs is pretty severe. But I'm biting my tongue, even here.

What's amazing though, really amazing, is that it didn't bug me. Yeah I've gotten a little mad at her at times. And right afterwards I did ask God if I'd heard right in my prayer journal. But I really wasn't that upset. Almost as soon as I finished it I went downstairs and was laughing with my mom. And hasn't really come back since. I'm not burying it. I just don't care. It doesn't bug me. At all.

If God will reconcile us then everything she said doesn't mean crap. And if not . . . well . . . I just don't care. If not those words mean nothing.

Now I'm not going to say much about the letter, because I want your thoughts, but I'll say this. I'm not sure its genuine. Just read it two ways, one as she honestly believes everything, and one as her being so naive that she sent me an "its not you, its me" letter. Either way, there is this shifting reality of what the cause for all this is. Which is pretty funny . . . and sad.

Another thing I want to say is this. I think its abosolutely histerical how well I know that woman. You should all remember me saying recently how I got the urge to call and tell her how I really felt. Its because I knew that she'd take me contacting her the wrong way. The last day we talked she told me I was fighting for her because I just couldn't let go. How insulting. What would I do if I loved you? So when I called her that night, I knew what she'd think. That I was hurting and miserable without her and blah blah blah. And then she tells me to move on and ask God to heal me. And that part kind of bugs me. How dare she assume to know how I feel and where I've been. I've asked for that plenty. It makes me want to tell her how many times I've asked God if He was sure about her. How many times I've lamented over haivng to fight for her. And this letter went a long way in me complaining to God that she wasn't worth it. But despite that anger, its still funny that I knew that's what she'd think.

It makes me think, I have lamented hear about her not talking to me, but I've realized this is no different than when we were together. She never listened to me then either. Almost every time we had an argument or something, we'd have to go through at least 5 rounds of me restating myself because she heard who knows what.

So you all read and give me your impressions. And as for whether its genuine I really just meant the part where she focueses on her flaws instead of taking me to task. Either way . . . I think the letter is kind of pathetic. Sorry if that's too harsh, its just the way it is. She didn't even sign her name.

So tonight I was talking to Jill, who I seriously love dearly, and we were talking about the letter, and I told her something I'd been thinking for a while but this letter really solidifies for me. She doesn't mention God or prayer but once, and then only as a cultural invocation, just like politicians. "We're praying for you in this time." "We're praying for your future." "God bless America." Cultural religion. Meaningless.

My dog is dreaming right now, he is very quietly barking and growling. Hilarious.

Anyhow it brought me back to something that's been on my mind a lot. Christians need to quit approaching dating in this way. We need to quit weighing personality traits and compatabilities. We need to quit looking at mistakes and making them deal breakers. We need to pray. And then we need to listen. And whatever God says, that's it. No matter what. Just like anything else. We can be such idiots. I'm sure Hosea didn't want to marry Gomer, but he did as he was told.

Along the same lines, my urge to date is through the roof.