"Tell me are you free?" - 'Firebreather' by Thrice

News flash: I disappeared for almost a week. Oh really? Yes really. Spectacularo.



I come back here again to write, and I have a sense of trepidation. I'm not even totally sure about what. Do I have anything to say? I'm already starting to feel worse. I don't want to put out. urrrgh.



So what's the last week been like? Crap. Pretty much. Or not, it wasn't that bad. I don't know.



I did some fighting this week, with a finishing record of 1 submission, 2 TKOs, and 2 KOs, so that was pretty swell.



And Tuesday should have been an upswing. Kairos was legit. The worship was great and Mike's message was as good as you expect. But no post. Why? It just didn't stick.



It should have . . . as I look back at the message was, it should have stuck. Mike was talking about the next section of Revelation, where the seven angels pour out bowls of God's wrath on the earth. And the main point? Don't get confused in the darkness and end up on the wrong side, because God always wins. Yeah. I should have cried. I didn't.



I wrote down a bunch of little quotes and paraphrases from it. "Whatever you are facing, if God put you in the fight, victory is yours." "Joshua used the weapon of worship." -Which still strikes me because a few times lately I've been led to reading about Joshua. "If you're on His team, you win. Game over. Don't even bother."



Included in the passage is a description of evil spirits appearing as magic frogs that come and deceive rulers and kings and everyone. And right after this is a warning from Jesus. "Don't take your [white robes] off. Remember what I told you." Mike talked about how people always give in. They always say everyone else must be right, and they just line up behind the frogs, on the wrong team, going against the one who had won before the battle ever begins.



And inside I knew. I knew it was speaking to where I was. All the doubt, in the face of what I could not deny. That all of it was just distracting me from the truth. But before we even left . . . it just faded. It made no lasting impression, it was all just academic.



And the week just kind of droned on.



At some point I realized I wasn't really alive. Technically I was, but I wasn't living. I was just wasting. I wasn't spending time with God. I wasn't doing anything or working for anything or living for anything. I wasn't spending time with God. On Thursday I had one short entry in my prayer journal.



On Friday I couldn't take it anymore. That night I knew what I had to do, what I should have done long ago, what I should have done Monday. I worshiped. Starting in my prayer journal:



"I don't want to meet with You right now. But I need to, I have to, I am dead inside.
I am coming to worship You, and drink You in.
Come fill me up.
Hear my cries and deliver me."

I put on music and just sang and read and wrote. And it took a long time. But it worked. Eventually I was feeling again, even if just a little. I tried to listen for something, in case God had a specific direction for me, but I heard nothing. I was so far out I really just needed Him.

While letting God guide me to something to read, I came upon the story of Joseph, and read it from beginning to end.

So I was finally a little better, but I still wasn't where I wanted. (I'm still not quite. I still feel a little closed off). After everything . . . I don't know why but I asked, "God am I still supposed to fight?"

I opened my Bible to Deuteronomy 20. The chapter is titled "Going to War." And is a list of commands for preparation when the Israelites went to fight. And still, there's this little voice inside that doubts. "You shouldn't be fighting" it says. "You're reading your desires into everything" it says.

Saturday . . . I won't go in to, but some stuff happened, mostly familial, and it was just a crappy day. I poured my heart out in my pj before I went to sleep. Begging God to meet with me on Sunday, to build me up.

Church this morning was good. The worship was spirit filled and freeing. I was able to just let go and draw near to God, even though I still felt a little distant. Then Aaron got up to speak. Today he began a series on the story of Joseph.

This is dulled amazement.

He just did the first bit today, up to where Joseph is sold to the Ishmaelites. He talked about "seasoning" and how God calls us to great 'dreams' (as successes) and how people will stand in the way, but everything is just building us up for a greater reward. Its kind of crazy, but I didn't really feel awestruck by it. I just banked it. So stupid.

In the afternoon I was wasting time and decided to get on CristianityToday.com to check out their men's devotional, which I sometimes do, but haven't for a few days (about a week). The devotional was about marriage and being a good husband and God's design of compatibility. Those devotionals are never so specific, they are made to appeal to men at every stage. I refuse to read anything into it, but it is interesting.

At some point I realized I'd just shut everything off. This whole week, even today, not reacting to things. I just shut my brain off and locked my heart away. Sam called me on Saturday and wanted to talk. I didn't answer. I just spent the whole week in this little puddle of apathy and rebellion.

And still I've had thoughts about her. I can't stop them, though I often have wished I could. I found myself more than one day this week wishing I'd never met her. Realizing we were closer before we met than we are now. I sometimes wanted to call her and tell her what I really thought of her. And sometimes I wanted to call and tell her I wanted to do that, thinking maybe it would shake something loose and we could begin talking. Mostly I've just wanted to close off more, to have an opportunity to reject her. Just total crap.

I'm still leery that I'll ever speak to her again. Something about that is crazy, but I'm not sure if its not being certain I won't, or even considering that I won't look into her lovely eyes and hear her wonderful words. Something is crazy though.

Last week I asked God a few times how I was to fight, and three times He directed me to different passages concerning a messenger. One was John the Baptist preceding Jesus. The others were more independent. So I've come to like that idea, of someone else just going and convincing her of . . . . But I haven't given any though to who or how or whether I can even do anything. Can't someone just fix all this?

Oh well . . . for now I just have to hunker down, because I have to fight and I have no idea how long it will take.

Tonight college group was canceled, so I went to GodWhy for a free dinner and a just guys young adult thing. It was pretty sweet, but nothing spiritually striking. There was this really, really good looking young lady who was vying for my attention, but we didn't officially meet. Its funny though, how things change. Whereas a few weeks ago I couldn't stray if I tried, from a woman who won't speak to me, now I have new elements of the fight I have to contend with. She's the third attractive woman I've encountered this week, after meeting two earlier in the week.

And there's this part of me that wants to chase something else. Even while part of me thinks I'll just one day have to tell her I couldn't stay "that" sure things weren't over. Just for the fun, just for the company. But I guess its just new layers of the fight. If so that means its getting harder. But I am handling it better.

I went to a visitation today, I'm going to the funeral tomorrow, for a friend's brother. I realized while I was at the visitation that this will be my first funeral in a little over a year. Which is the longest I've gone without going to a funeral since my dad's when I was eight. 16 years.

The last funeral I went to . . . I've never told anyone about this. It was for a teen in South Carolina. A kid that didn't go to the church I worked at. I just met him out and about, and was trying to get him involved in the group. I was trying to get him saved, because he wasn't. And I didn't make it. And I had to lie about who I was to go because no one knew me. I just sat in the back, waiting to cry until I left.

While I was thinking about all those funerals over all those years, I realized that in a lot of ways I've had a very hard life, with lots of very difficult parts. And I started hoping that eventually, I'd just hit a nice patch. A good long stretch where my troubles were so much smaller.

At some point this week I realized I've dealt with what is probably clinical level depression. And I was going through it part of the time she and I were together. I'd like to think if she knew things would be different. But it was just to hard for her, she had to find excuses to leave. She won't listen. I'd like to say I'm at peace with that, but I'm not allowed to be. I have to make my blood boil and build hope and not care about the pain.

I realize this all sounds kind of depressing, but that's not how I feel. I'm in a good mood right now. I'm excited about getting up early tomorrow to run some errands. I'm excited about . . . whatever is coming. I'm excited about the fight. I'm excited about victory.

Its important that we remember who is going to be on the throne when the dust settles. Are you on the right side? Or have you lined up behind a dancing frog?