I think sometimes I underestimate my love of music.
Now anyone who is close to me will be aware of how important language is to me. I don’t like the phrase “that’s just semantics” because semantics matter. The meanings of words and phrases are important, as are the understanding of their meanings in conversation. While this is generally true for me, its especially true as a follower of Christ and theologian. Because of all this there are certain words I use very sparingly. I don’t very often say I hate anything, and then the exceptions are usually intentional exaggerations. I’m far more sparing with how I use the words awesome and love. Every once in a while I’ll slip, but I almost never say the word love unless I mean it. I never say, “I love ice cream” or “I love that band/cd.” That’s because love is a very important word to me. So when I say that I underestimate my love of music, that very classification carries a significant amount of weight.
This has come to my attention in the past few weeks given a few things. One has been the plethora of comments I’ve received recently about the size of my music library. Another has been a few conversations I’ve had recently where I found myself speaking with passion and reflections about certain bands and cds that I didn’t even realize I had. I’ve also realize that in addition to how much I listen to music, I spend a lot of that time reflecting on the lyrics and the emotional tone of the overall sound. And how much I can respond to those feelings. I think I forgot my last and most important point.
I say all that to make one point. Since Monday night, the only music I’ve listened to is worship music (at Kairos and during my private worship time) and the White Stripes. I could wax on about why exactly I’ve come to enjoy their musical stylings, but I’ll skip it and just say that its amazing how well I’ve been able to recognize and respond to my present emotional considerations in their music. The reflective elements are of course found in many other songs I have, but I’ve been using them, and I’ve been thoroughly enjoying it.
As an oddly connected note I’ll go ahead and spill I almost killed the blog. The last week or so the constant visitor numbers for the blog have been pretty high, and somebody sent me an email saying they were submitting me to a friend for consideration as a blook (blog turned into a book). Now it seems strange since I also struggle with pride, but all that just freaked me out a little. I felt a little too exposed and thought of shutting it all down. But hey, this is not my project, and fear is not really my thing. So here I am, being vulnerable, to an extent. Soak it up.
The real point of this post needs to be prefaced, an odd thing considering how long its already taken me to get here.
The last few weeks (how often have I used that phrase in the last few . . . posts?), I feel like almost all I’ve been reading is early and mid 20th century theologians. H.R. and Rienhold Niebuhr. Spiros Zodhiates. Paul van Buren. Tillich, Barth, Finn. The amazing C.S. Lewis. And Dietrich Bonhoeffer.
Most of these people are irrelevant to our discussion now (except Lewis because he’s never irrelevant), but Bonhoeffer is of particular interest.
Bonhoeffer was born in Germany in 1906. Earning his doctorate in theology by the time he was 21, he quickly became a well known figure in theological discussion. He is relevant to our discussion here mostly because of how he died. After some traveling (through study and ministry) Bonhoeffer found himself back in Germany, just as Hitler and the Nazi’s were coming to power. In 1936 he was denied authorization to teach at the University of Berlin after being labeled “a pacifist and enemy of the state.” The really important word for us is pacifist. Because not quite ten years later he would be executed for his involvement in multiple attempts to kill Hitler.
Bonhoeffer’s story has always stuck with me, and this week it seems to have special significance. See his story is really one about learning the essence of submission to God. When Bonhoeffer first graduated seminary he was not that far separated from the developing liberal theologians of his time. But then he spent time doing mission work in Harlem. And as he moved from an intellectual pursuit of God, to an active devoted pursuit, he began to change. His submission comes across in intellectual ways, such as his most famous work, The Cost of Discipleship, which attacks the notion of “cheap grace.” But then, as he saw the devastation the Nazis were unleashing on the world, he faced a crises point of some of his most important beliefs, and his personal will. And he gave up everything, for what he understood as the will of God.
Earlier tonight I found this quote from Bonhoeffer, “To deny oneself is to be aware only of Christ and no more of self, to see only him who goes before and no more the road which is too hard for us. Once more, all that self-denial can say is: “He leads the way, keep close to him.”"
My gut reaction is to partially reject the absolutism of the complete denial of self. But in the end it holds true to what I must live. Even those parts of my self, in thought and in will, that stay, are maintained only because of their mirror to Christ.
The idea here is the denial of self Jesus talks about in Matthew 16:24, and Paul restates multiple times as death to self. This is where thoughts, desires and instincts are laid at the foot of the cross to be washed under the blood, and all that is left will be that which is worthy enough to not be destroyed.
And I’m experiencing that right now.
In reality it is something Christians should continually deal with, but it just seems something that is particularly on me now. I’ve written about it before, a few times I think, and I can still think of a dearly treasured email from Joy encouraging me to those great heights. But this week, its just spilling out.
This week I’ve had a number of situations where I had to deny my instincts, the very essence of what could be defended as just being my personality, and to choose that which is Christ. I’ve had the privilege to live not by what I feel, but by what I believe. To choose my principles over my instincts. And indeed I’m still in the middle of it.
God has given me a few tasks as of late, one of particular size and focus that I have very little desire to take on. But I have no choice. In John 6 we see Jesus doing this very thing. Submitting His will to that of God. And here I am doing that, again.
But this is not to say that all my desire is bad. I like this way C.S. Lewis put it in The Weight of Glory
“The new testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad things, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.“
I say all this not as a complaint, but an expression. As much as I don’t want to do this thing right now, as much as it bugs me, I’m overjoyed at the essence of it. I am delighted in the concept of sacrifice. Sacrifice to God, and sacrifice to and for others.
This post is not meant to be exhaustive. Its not meant to fully explore the point intellectually or inspirationally. Its really just to tell you what I’m doing (ambiguously) and tell you how I feel about it. And perhaps you’ll be encouraged to do the same.
The flip side of all this is a concept of faith that I never tire of talking about, which is that our very identity is founded and finished in Christ. This is 2 Corinthians 5:17. This is John 15. This is the concept of striving not to kill myself for the sake of its removal, but its discovery. I am not what I came to Christ as. The true me, as God first made me, is without flaw. And that is the me to which I am called and to which I am refined. You do not know the true me yet, only what has been uncovered as I have undergone the sufferings of participatory crucifixion. It is in Christ’s death that we are able to give up what was never meant to be, and in His resurrection that we are able to achieve what was always intended. The true self.
Like C.S. says, “Until you have given up you self to Him you will not have a real self.”
And so I just keep submitting, and will keep on, until “what God requires, is what I desire.”
If I could but burn upon Your altar
The Feel Good Drag
Is a ridiculously good song by the band Anberlin. I recently made a new playlist with every single emery and Anberlin song on it. To give an understanding, if music made by Christians is the Bible, those two bands are kind of like Song of Songs. They deal with guy/girl relationships.
And indeed, when I started writing this post, that song had particular value. I was going to post the lyrics and everything. Blah. Blah. Blah. But it has been an entire week since I started this post. And even though the song probably fits better now, I care a lot less about that fact. Go figure. But the post is still named that because . . . well because it does still fit, and better now. And I don’t feel like changing it.
I suppose I should first apologize for not having done a post in the last week. I think eventually I’ll figure this “regularly” thing out. The only solace I suppose I can offer is that last week I was extremely busy. A fact which has twice caused some pretty interesting conflict that I’ll only tease you with instead of explain.
I get so frustrated with myself when I don’t post and then try to. Part of it is of course because of the fact I again didn’t keep up with it. But another is the effect that has on the conversation. The longer I go without posting, the more happens, and the more I need/want to say. So I either say it all, or do what I did last time and just talk about the most recent thing weighing. Neither is satisfactory. If I just talk about the one thing than so much gets left unsaid, and in many cases, unexamined because I never talk about it. And if I do talk about everything, I don’t remember it all and the ideas and the writing of the post suffer.
So last week was . . . interesting. For sure. I taught CAKE all by myself last week. Which was exciting, and quite a bit of fun. The word on the street is that I did well, so I’ll let it stand. The week also involved some great hang out time and some great discussions. A date on Friday night with some tacked on baking on Saturday and then the ubiquitous surprise party. This time for Jenn. It was a wig party, and therefore, pretty hilarious. The size/mix of people was pretty great because there ended up being lots of dancing/singing/noise/laughing.
And Sundays, gosh do I love Sundays. Although the last two I’ve taken to running 21-22 hrs straight, which is . . . interesting. I can’t say bad because its not, but at the end of the day I am pretty tired. Good tired though. Fortunately yesterday started later than 4:45, but not much.
iCampus was absolutely insane yesterday. It was the second week of the “What in the world are we doing?” series and the message had to do with poverty (globally and locally), its causes, and what role the church has in helping. And Jenn was fired up. I thought it was going to go nuclear a few times. It was especially interesting because we had a few visitors in for the first service, so there were 6 of us kicking this around in the tiny ibooth.
Today was crazy in its own right. Due to various things, I got in 6 arguments today. Only two of which involved me operating with any modicum of grace. In one I lost this grace, and in the other I handled it about as well as I can imagine. The second one involved the girl from the date, so you can get a sense of how that is going. (I haven’t been putting more in the other blog, but check it tomorrow for more information on that aspect of things.) So I suppose you could say today was not the best day I’ve ever had.
I imagine by now you’re wondering what this post is “about.” And I guess that means its time to talk about it. In part I’d like to talk about some very general things I’ve learned/thought about Christian dating lately. But I think those will have to wait, so really I’d have to say this is about listening and assumptions.
Today this big realization hit me. I’m not sure how long I’ve missed making a bigger deal out of this, but its really been a big issue the last few weeks. I’m not sure how to most succinctly describe/complain about it, but it comes down to this weird dichotomy. Even as I’ve noticed people shying away from confrontation and truth by relative thinking, they also breed contempt and derision by assumptive listening.
Studies have routinely shown that when engaged in conversation, people spend most of the “listening” time waiting to or planning to speak. A rather troubling dual cause-and-effect of this is that people assume they know what the other person is thinking, or means by what they say. We assume that our understanding is definitively so. And we then act on that assumption, either confusing the discussion, or angering the other person or people involved.
The best example I can give is this ongoing discussion Jenn and I have been having about personal faith vs. kingdom faith. I hold that the individual relationship with God is of primary importance, but Jenn says that the outward portion is most important. So yesterday in the ibooth argument, Jenn and I talked about this again, and at some point I realized she misunderstood my position. She was viewing what I said as an exclusive, or absolute. And instead of asking me if that’s what I meant, she went with it. This example is meant in no way to disparage Jenn. I respect her and don’t this to come across as a castigation. Unfortunately for her, its just the best example I can think that I’m willing to share here. But its happened a number of times in the last few weeks. And it never turns out well. Sometimes terribly.
If somebody says or does something that bothers you, you should be willing to talk to them about it. And that should start by being willing to make sure you understand the situation.
This is unwelcome pessimism.
::sigh::
More posts coming soon, count on it. There is a lot to say. Including a serious encounter with God.
Psalm 33:5
“His delight is in righteousness and wisdom; the earth is full of the mercy of the Lord.”
The Theory of Gravity
I, am so tired.
I should really be in bed, resting for a rather long day tomorrow. And yet here I am. Keeping a promise to you. Doing something that helps me in my walk. And doing something else.
See the thing is, I got up at 4:45 this morning. It wasn’t an intentional thing, for certain, but there it was. I tried to go back to sleep, but as I lay there I found myself in a conversation with God. I’d quickly come to think I was awake because of Him, and so was wanting confirmation/a sense of why I was missing another hour and a half of sleep. Considering that the rest of the day was quite filled and busy, with a general absence of naps, and I think I’m nicely coherent for 21 hrs running.
Wednesday went rather well, or so I was told. I enjoyed it, though I could certainly sense some at-hand objection to my method of ordering the Wesleyan Quadrilateral, and therefore Outler’s, Wesleys’, and most of the famous historical Christian figures’ ordering. While I certainly expected such resistance, and was rather pleased with how it played out, I think I’m well justified in regretting that their positions were generally rather defensive, and certainly arguments I’ve heard a number of times. Kind of reminded me why theological discussion is confined to certain levels of education/experience. I feel like I understand, at least in part, why Luther tried to keep his complaints behind closed doors. Because questions like, “wait, what is the Sermon on the Mount?” tend to slow down progress on whether or not dispensationalism accurately accounts for the character of God. (it does not, btw)
So then this morning I woke up far too early, and found myself rather excited that I’d be able to get in some private worship, seeing as its been a while since I’ve done so. But first I went outside to help my brother get ready for the second free track day on the Nashville Speedway Road Coarse, where I put in time yesterday morning helping an old friend test a car.
As an aside, I could really use a massage. I went to the gym two days in a row (Wed and Thurs) which combined with a pretty heavy body resistance workout regimen and a pretty silly mistake during a sparring match has led to some strained muscles in my right mid-lower back. Anyone?
After helping my brother I came inside and finally spent some good time with Big J. Normal routine, some worship music, reading the Letter, and a little prayer (speaking and listening). But, it’d been so long. It was absolutely wonderful, and I plan on making that a more regular habit again.
So now we come to a theme I’ve noticed since Wednesday, or perhaps before then. It seems to be some strand of denial, sometimes to the point of belligerence. Now when I say denial, understand that also encompasses, or at least can encompass, elements of fear and placation.
Though it may have easily begun beforehand (depending on one’s understanding of my discussions with Jenn) it really came about there on Wednesday night. its the frustration of knowing you’ve stated a well reasoned and solid case, of which you covered every angle you could conceive or encounter with the time and format available, and yet still you can feel people just naturally disagreeing with you. Because they don’t like what you say. Which is the essential truth. We do not come to Christ asking Him to mold Himself and His kingdom to us. To our thoughts and theology. To our politics and morals. To our behaviors and instincts. To our broken and fallen nature. Rather we come to Him saying, “All is laid at your feet my King. Make me righteous.”
It reminds me of the story of Kevin Roose. Roose had a book published not long ago called “The Unlikely Disciple” which is a clever though ultimately slightly misleading title. Roose was a fairly staunch liberal and atheist student of Brown University who decided to spend a semester studying abroad. At Liberty. The book is a good read with many great moments/points, but one of my favorite things is that at then end Roose talks about why he still doesn’t consider himself a Christian. He mentions that he simply can’t buy into things he still objects to, and in doing so mentions his two gay aunts as a reference to not being able to reject homosexuality. While I feel sorrow at Roose’s rejection of the far more essential truth, I cannot help but admire something he understands, or rather potentially embodies, that most Christ followers do not. He understands that faith should, in a sense, be taken very seriously. That all previous attachments must be laid upon the alter. It is less oft cited part of 2 Corinthians 5:17. For the new to come, the old must go.
The premise was easy: experience is fallible, tradition is flawed, and reason is but a tool. While Scripture remains supreme, eternal, and constantly reflected as true.
Yet there I was. Exactly as I’d expected. Not upset, not feeling weighed down or defeated. Just feeling . . . like I’d laid a portion of my weight upon the table, and people had found it intruding. Just a little sad.
And over the next few days there was a strand of this I’ll come back to in a few minutes, but then it came again today. As I was doing the iCampus this morning, I encountered a few small, but significant events furthering this feeling. Which all involved elements of obstinacy or avoidance.
Following this was a “to-the-car” conversation with a guy who was at CAKE on Wednesday. He had joked just a few minutes prior about me being wrong. As we walked he said he was just kidding and that everyone was right, because everyone was entitled to their opinion.
This is me surprisingly not rolling my eyes. Thank you love of Jesus enabling truth.
“People are entitled to their opinions,” I responded. “And polite discourse on the differences. But that doesn’t make them right. It’s very simple. If you say everyone is right, and I say I am, and you aren’t, your position is immediately bogus. Those positions are mutually exclusive.”
And he just went on. Like I hadn’t said a thing. Changed the conversation. Moved along. ::sigh::
But there is no better way to framer the argument. God, the Bible, the very concept of logic assert absolute truth. God, through the Bible, expresses the desire for the faithful to understand that truth, which is ultimately Him. And His nature, and all that He desires for us to know of Him. Avoiding those discussions is in the end rather cowardly, and unChristlike. No better than belligerent authoritarian assertion of the possible positions.
Can our love for each other not withstand disagreement? Can our devotion to God not withstand a truth with which we disagree? Or have we become so misguided as to think we can love God without knowing Him?
I refuse to buy that. God is perfect and eternal, which separately and together point together consistency. And we wants us to love Him, requiring knowledge of Him, which means such a thing is attainable. Meaning there is static truth that is learnable. And I can’t really think of a better place to find such things than the sweet love letter He wrote us.
Follow up post completing the thought and giving some other info. What a great day.
This is my garden. Take account.
"If you're allergic to the truth then I suggest you keep your distance"
Oh heck yes. The blogging is on. Let us begin.
So why have I been gone so long? It started out practically. I was trying to edit this (the new) blog, to take out certain "objectionable materials" to make it more widely acceptable. In a sense. It was kind of connected to a narrow angle job search, but that wasn't all of it. To a certain extent I've done that, but I'm kind of over it. What's here is here.
The other part was that eventually I didn't want to. Not really in a palpable way. Not anything easily identified or described, but surely there nonetheless. It manifested in just doing other things. But now that's done to. Blogging will begin in earnest. Just try and keep up.
Now, the story for how I'm coming back is understandably predictable, and yet somehow still unexplainable. It has something to do with discovering the coverage I could get by networking this blog into Facebook. When I did so and just linked it in my profile, I got an absurd number of hits. To give you a good idea, it was more than 10% of my friends list. Which is, ridiculous. To be honest it kind of scared me. I wasn't sure I wanted that kind of exposure. But alas again, who the heck cares.
So what are we talking about? Good gosh, what aren't we.
First things first. This blog is "new". Which is to say that its an edited version of a still running nearly identical blog whose address is now only available upon request. I'm moderately happy with wordpress, though I have some minor complaints, such as the small number of themes, and specific problems with the available options. The writing window is also pretty unappealing, which make sit difficult to pay attention while writing.
The picture you see above, legit right? Its a fairly famous statue that I'll give mad points to whomever can identify it and its location.
The good news with it being nearly three weeks since I last posted, is that I can't even begin to bore you with all the things that have happened in the mean time. Let it be said its been a lot. Going to Kairos. Telling a lovely young lady I was interested in her. A few parties. A race at the Nashville Road Course. Lots of work around the house. Lots of reading. Going to Northeast. Blah . . . blah . . . and so on.
I don't even feel like going into how I've dealt with the subject matter of the last two posts over the last few weeks. What we'll do instead, is deal with large themes that have stood out.
The first is that God has kept up His insistence on giving me informal ministry opportunities. He just keeps placing me in situations where I can serve do to nothing but natural relationships. And it feels great. That being said I can definitely recognize the absence of deep community on a mission.
Second is the issue of prayer, and God's will in general. A few Sundays ago my men's small group discussion was on prayer. That, in combination with everything that has been going on has led to a rather essential quandary. I am stuck wondering where the intersection is between God's will, and our prayers of petition. The existence of, "rightness" of, and God's own endorsement of each are clearly evident in Scripture, leading me to wonder how they play out practically.
I believe emphatically that God has a will, for my life. One possible dead end of this, is that this will involves few, if any practical elements. In this scenario the extreme option is that God's will eventually resides only in our relationship to Him. Therefore if we have been reconciled, and are living by faith, His will has no other constraining elements.
Another adaptation of this is the possibility of limited practical induction. This itself has two variants. One is where God has a few large points where His will intercedes with our direct living. Things like CERTAIN jobs, who we marry, or what our ministry focus is, though obviously, His concern for each of those areas is debatable. The other option here is that He has a practical will that is very general, wherein He gives us gifts, talents, and desires and sets us loose to apply them to the Kingdom. Ultimately I find all three of these options lacking, however, because God just doesn't seem that hands off.
We can see it in how our ultimate purpose is wrapped up in our daily sustenance. We can see it in how the Letter speaks to concerns of very real and constant life. And we can see the statistical difference faith makes in things like grief recovery, drug treatment, and oddly enough, sexual satisfaction in marriage.
So the question is where God's practical, rather than ultimate, will for our lives intersects His insistence that we bring Him our requests. And I just don't know.
That is especially frustrating given the absurd number of choices I've seen come up in my life recently. As well as seemingly complete lack of God speaking in my life. Didn't He used to do that all the time?
However, one of the points of a book I read recently is that we Protestants have forgotten the concept of "sins of inaction". As a result there are areas where I'm just pushing, and being willing to make mistakes and be wrong, just because something has to happen.
Now, as for the title of this post. I've been listening to rap/hip hop nearly all day and this is a line from one of my favorite groups, Mars Ill.
It struck me tonight while I was getting ready to start this post because of how much this idea has been on my mind lately. It started months ago when I first began musing on how concerned Christians/churches can get with being attractive to unbelievers, and how genuinely unChristlike that is. He loved everybody. He wants everybody. But He's readily admitted most people aren't going to make it.
Combine this with my rereading a book examining the exemplary masculinity of Christ, and His insistence on never holding off on the truth, and sometimes being harsh. The result is a pretty severe case of turmoil.
I love unbelievers. I walking with them and being Christ for them. I love showing them love and talking to them about my faith. I love seeing them get interested and not just write it off. But where does that intersect not slacking off a bit of truth?
In personal interactions, its quite easy. A case of things easier done than said, something almost exclusive to following Jesus. But as far as how you institutionalize such a dichotomy, that is a giant can of worms. And its especially poignant because I'm experiencing that dilemma right now.
I'm co-teaching this Wednesday at CAKE with Jenn, and I'm worried that the overall tone will be a message I don't agree with. And I don't know how to settle that.
As if I needed more reason for this issue to be on my heart, tonight I made somebody very angry because I was answering a question honestly. I'm not exactly proud of it, but I'm not ashamed either.
In the end I know the answer of how this plays out in my life, and how it will play out Wednesday. I just have to love Jesus and be with Him, and the overflow of that love will produce exactly what it should.
As long as I don't try to stop it.
Post Delay and New Link
Sorry its been so long everyone, and alas, this is not a full blown post. This is an apology. And an explanation.
I've been applying for some ministry jobs (yeah or bleh I'm not sure) and I've decided to include my blog as a part of that. As such, I've been working on setting one up with some of the more personal elements removed. I'm setting up a nearly identical blog on Wordpress (even the same name).
You don't need to read both. Everything I post there will be here, but there will be some of the more personal or heavier elements that appear here and not there. I'm telling you all for a few reasons.
1) Is that I've been editing old posts on the Wordpress account, which is why there's been no new post in a week.
2) I'll be changing my Facebook link to the new one, just want to make sure everyone knows, in case that will effect you. But it shouldn't.
Back soon!
Walls
I'm sitting here listening to bluegrass on Last.FM. For the last 45 minutes or so I've been trying to remember what it was I wanted to talk about in this post. I promised you guys doing more, and I'm committed to it, so I was really trying. After a good bit of procrastinating of course.
Alas I'm pretty sure I finally remember what it was.
I'll begin it, and therefore finally actually writing this post by putting up some lyrics. "Walls" is the name of a song by Emery, one of my favorite bands. Its from their first album, titled The Weak's End.
"Are you listening?
we write a thousand pages, they're torn and on the floor
headlights hammer the windows, we're locked behind these doors
and we are never leaving, this place is part of us
and all these scenes repeating are cold to the touch
my hands seem to deceive me
when I'm nervous or when I'm healthy.
the scenery's all drawn.
they hang here from the walls dear,
painting pictures, bleeding colors,
blanket the windows.
sometimes it gets so hard to breathe.
your eyes can see right through me.
these fights with your arms left beside.
one thing and one more says goodnight.
you've got the map come get to me.
these knuckles break before they bleed.
tear out these veins that own my heart.
this skin that wears your lasting marks.
i've built these walls come get to me, come get to me.
is this your lesson, a slight discretion,
the lines that keep you, the lines that sweep you.
lock the doors from the inside.
your face is so contagious, it wears announcements,
it leaves me breathless, i won't forget this.
let the walls have their say.
there's no conversation, words without remorse
and this television drowns the only source
wake from these dreams of you in my arms
to the staircase where you hold my heart
this place, these walls mean everything to me."
Can anyone see where I'm going with this?
Lately I've noticed that there seem to be walls everywhere. I think where I first became aware of it is an article I read a few weeks ago. It was an article some woman wrote for a single's ministry website. The article was entitled something like, "Not Shopping for a Husband" or some stupid crap like that. The article was pretty much crap. The author was pretty much saying that she used to have a list of hopes or expectations for her future husband. But she'd recently come to believe, through seeing one of her friends do it, that she should abandon that list. Now in principle this may sound good, and in fact in a few minutes I'll be arguing in partial favor of it. It bugged me initially, but then the author related the story of her friend. Her friend used to have a list. Her friend also had a guy whom was a good friend, but certainly did not match the list. At some point the friend realized what a good guy this fella she said she'd never date was. How much he'd been there for her and so on. And decided to marry him. Or something. Here's the principle problem I see.
I like spiritual attraction as much as the next God fearing cat, and I believe in the rightness of a God-centered refining life whereby we constantly move towards a greater likeness of God. If my "dating pool", in a theoretical sense, is only of like minded people, then all such girls should be expected to possess similar qualities as found in the guy from the story. If we jettison lists and only go based on spirituality and a person's goodness in their behavior towards us, or as may be the case, the motivating affection, our future spouse then becomes an interchangeable proposition. Think on it. If we really draw our lines so far back, what's the point? Suddenly "everybody" is game. And though "everybody" is a fairly small field, I believe, personally and theologically, that its simply way too big. Imagine marrying someone you find annoying and don't like being around, because they love Jesus, and have always been good to you. It may be extreme, but it puts it in perspective.
Now out present time, it would actually do me good to discover a God who would completely overcome any of my personal expectations and deliver untold happiness in a significant other. See even tonight, I found myself thinking about . . . her. Unfortunate and distasteful as I find that. Even if I, by way of internal conviction or Godly devotion, find myself devoid of actively feeling for or missing her, I can't forget the objective joy of being with her. When I think of meeting someone, I invariably find myself wanting qualities Heather possessed. And not just surfacey things, though I did find myself both yesterday and today remarking she is still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Its deep things, like how much she loved books and reading, even more than myself. How much she liked art. Poetry, which I personally dislike. She favored music I found difficult to listen to, and now I find myself envisioning someone else, exactly like that.
This is embarrassingly pathetic disclosure of the heart.
So here I find myself in a quite interesting proposition. The grander elements are my inability to lay feelings for her to rest, and the possibility of God's role in that. The solid desire, again by God or by actively denying Him, to be head's up in term's of girls, while contemplating the very nature of dating. And wishing, fruitlessly, to be rid of thinking about any of it at all. So if I actually manage to convince myself that its just me and I need to move on, and I begin thinking about the awkwardness of wanting to date someone again, I find myself in a rather precarious position. Because if I consider girls without qualities I found, and so deeply enjoyed in Heather, I can feel the impending sadness. The knowledge that sometime, some little thing will happen and you'll just feel that deep seeded knowledge that you're not happy. Which for a bit more circular thinking leads me back to, "why did God ever set us up?"
But my theology does not come from personal experience. Its comes from Scripture, interpreted through tradition, understood by reason, and vivified by experience.
What I'm then left with is a set of questions, or perhaps just one. I was talking with a friend about this article, and our own struggles with singlehood and expectations and keeping people out, and we reached a point where we had to wonder.
When does having expectations become building walls?
Even if I can't recognize them it seems rather immature to think I haven't constructed rather serious barricades as a result of splitting with the woman I still know God told me to propose to. It ends up being an issue of what walls I've built, vs. what role I'm really supposed to play in God's selection of a mate for me. The phrasing of the second part is important because it cuts off cries of "well you just trust God." But its like in selection of careers. God gives us gifts and desires, and part of being fulfilled is recognizing those and letting God advance the kingdom through them. But sometimes that is proactive, and that means knowing and obeying.
I really freaking hate talking about girls and Heather. Seriously. Hate.
Fortunately, though ultimately rather unfortunately, I can see where this applies to other areas of my life. Take for instance where I find myself right now. I don't have those desperately necessary close male relationships. Because through my own wall building and others these relationships haven't reached their full potential. They're not ripping at the fabric of our souls to make sure its pure. What a tragedy.
It happens when I'm struggling with God too. I just want to push everyone out and feel that pressing weight. Not because I really want to, but that's the dark draw. The push from the dark passenger. The self that refuses to die. The remnants of a man covered in sin clinging to the life of a man born of blood.
I can see it in my relationship with God. It seems as though I'm not hearing from God, but that's idiotic. Even if He's just saying "I love you" He's always saying something. Always. Through any avenue He can. Speaking directly, speaking through The Letter. Using other people. Nature. Music. But I can't hear Him.
That means I've put up walls. Walls between my heart and its only substance and necessary sustenance, which are the bloody love of the sacrificing King. What can I possibly be thinking? I want Him there. Desperately.
I don't even recognize what the walls are. All I know is that I want them gone.
Dear God, tear me down that you may build me, exactly as You wish.
100th Post!!!
Dear readers,
Say hello to post #100!! Here's to many more. Thanks for reading, and remember, this should be a conversation, use this as a launching point to talk to me.
Tear my heart out, with wood and nails
Note: I had to go back through this post and edited out the cursing. Some of you know I'm kidding. Some of you know I'm not.
I've noticed a pattern in how I title my posts. If I know what I want to say, I can label them right off the bat. Perhaps I've known what it would be called all day. If, however, I know what I need to talk about, but not what to say, I end up writing the title afterwards.
Well it happened again. Bad this time. I went to Kairos (after a number of errands) and sat surrounded by good looking women. Behind me (diagonally included), in front of me, and on both sides. And not just one, but at least two deep every way. What sort of spiritual twilight zone is this crap from?
So I'm sitting there before the service wondering what the heck my problem is. Mostly because to my left is a rather striking brunette. Dressed and proportioned in ways I would describe as ideal. And I don't even really say hi. So we sit for a few minutes in uncomfortable silence. Just sit. As I think of turning to talk I go through everything in my head. "You're not that guy, don't be that guy. / But she seems approachable. / No, she seems shy, that's why you want to talk to her. / I can't anyhow because I'll be that guy. / And even if I got over it, and even if she's receptive, you can't ask anyone out because your are jobless. / Ah yes, the area of debilitating stress. / And even if you got over that, you're still in love with Heather. / Am not. / Right. / Like you'd know. / Can't we at least be nice and make small talk?"
Instead I texted Glenn:
"I think I may need serious mental help. Sitting next to a gorgeous girl, not even making small talk. Pretending I have good reasons." - Though looking back I should add some of my reasons are valid. To an extent.
I'm sick of putting stuff like this in the blog. God can we please move on? You're going to drive all my readers away. Or maybe its me. But I've been looking for you to show me all along.
This week I actually participated in the greet your neighbor question thing, met everyone around me, made silly small talk. That's a step somewhere, right? Get's me back to wondering how I ever asked Heather to dance when we first met. I tell myself I wasn't wounded then. Not sure whether or not I believe it.
Worship was flipping sweet by the way. Total abandon, and mad hat singing. I think it was some of the most unburdened I've felt during worship in a long time. Everything just disappeared and it was just me and Jesus. And the band and 1200 other people, all joined in it.
There was a guided prayer time between worship and prayer. During it Mike first pushed us to ask God to remove whatever was heavy on our hearts. Then he talked about struggle and fighting, at the top I remember thinking it was really relevant to me. I was even at the point that when he started the message I was determined to contact Heather, because I knew I had to. By what Mike said, by what I THOUGHT God said back. But that's gone now.
It turns out last week did not start a series on Isaiah, but rather whole personhood in Christ. Last week was about worship, and this week was about worldview, interesting since I'll be teaching on that in a few weeks. The scripture was Matthew 11:28-30. Mike used it to talk about Jesus desires for us, and how life with Him puts us under workings that don't even seem like work, because we were made for them. Which just tore at me. Oh how I long for purpose. How I used to see it, and remember things, and sometimes still feel pulls, but ultimately I'm left wondering. Do I know and I'm forgetting? Do I know and I'm not following? Or are you just making me wait?
Excellent relatable point here. Mike talked about how we take life coaches. People of one sort or another who end up teaching us things. He then related how we'd never think of hiring a piano teacher who couldn't play the piano, but so many people take up these coaches who don't know life. Not like Jesus did.
Now, I woke up this morning overcast. And while it was convenient to match the weather, it was unsatisfying. The reason was that the last dream I had was about Heather. We were talking and all this crap, and I went after her and it was just ugly and had no effect.
I only mention this because at one point during the message, Mike blows my mind. He starts talking about how his mom taught him that God uses dreams and even waking imagery to bring people to mind we should contact. So that's twice in one service I get "absolutely convinced" I need to contact Heather. I'm not sure why its gone now, but I think I'm glad. Who knows.
Before the service this guy who does business/missions work in India got up and talked. He did a Q&A session after the service that was pretty phenomenal. He talked about the Caste system and conversion and the growth of Christianity and all these crazy things. Almost had me wanting to go there, and it was certainly very enlightening.
Also there was this girl there, the only girl I've seen multiple times at Kairos, whom I met the first night I came (remember the table with the girls and Forest Gump).
And here I am again, wanting to be oblivious.
The long and short of it is that I seemed to have noticed something. If I have an idea, or make a decision, or become convicted of something. I have pretty much only to wait a while, until I sleep at most, and it will go away. In some ways its a comfort, and in others an outrage. Its because I don't know where God wants me. Where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. So I have no cause to hold on to anything. And I'm not close enough to Him, or I have residual issues, so whatever He does say, I just dismiss as me or whimsy. Crap right? I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. Or maybe I do and I'm just denying it.
More posts are coming soon I promise. I'd go ahead and do maybe another two right now if if weren't so late.
Be of good cheer, the Lord gave Himself for you. That you might live. That He might be with you.
Ketchup . . . Catsup
TTTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEE for a post I say. But oh how do I begin. I'll be experimenting with a different structure, or maybe not. And does anyone still read this thing? I used to know who all the regulars (that I knew in real life) were, but I quit using my visits tracker and I'm not sure who all I've lost. Sad days. I'm working on doing more posts, and doing shorter ones. We'll see. Anybody want to recommend me to any companies as a blook?
Its really been a week since my last update. How do I let this happen? I promised no more right? I promised I was going to do more stuff. Grr. This time its for real.
So what's been going on? What a big question.
Friday I went out, by myself, in the vain hopes of finding one of the girls (types, not specific ones) I've become recently enamored with dating. One is that the other day I was convinced I needed to find me a nice, hot black girl. And the other was a redhead, but that was all about this dream I had, crazy right. I don't think anyone believes this paragraph. I really did have the dream though.
Saturday was Clay's going away party. It was supposedly a combined 50's and WWF theme, but only two of us dressed up, so that part of it was a little disappointing. But I went all out for it and so did Holly. There is a picture somewhere. As a whole the gathering was good, but a little off putting. I ultimately felt out of place, leaving me to wonder if I'll ever not feel that way.
And darn me if there's not this girl who's doing her darnedest to get me to like her (intentional or not I don't know). Anyhow, the number of reasons I should not be interested in her is about as long as they get, with the only notable absentee being faith, which I think is somewhere near level. I suppose I haven't bothered to really find out, but what I have supports that hypothesis. Regertless, it makes me long for complete obliviousness. I long to not thing about girls and relationships, to not notice them, especially to not have Heather still so irrevocably upon my heart. Perhaps that most of all, but oblivious is oblivious. And despite how I act, and can be, Its not where I want it. [Warning: Watch for recurring themes]
Speaking of de girls, I had that dream, but I can't remember when. I dreamed I started a relationship with a redhead. There were also car chases and fights and a huge house/university, but lets ignore the insanity. So after the party, or rather, while it was still going on, a few of us, Clay included, left to go to Climb Nashville. Which is an indoor climbing thingie. I had no clothes or shoes other than my 50's outfit (idiotic, I know), which could have worked considering you rent shoes and Jeremy had shorts, but I just wasn't up for it. On the way down we kept singing "Don't Stop Believing" which was especially funny because it never played. Lauren just started it. So once there, Lauren and Clay and I sat on a bench talking, watching Jeremy and Devon boulder. A good time was had by all.
Afterwards we stopped by this frozen custard place across from Centennial Park and Vandy's Stadium. And working inside was a very cute redhead (the first one I'd seen since the dream). AND . . . "Don't Stop Believing" was playing on the radio. I took it as a definite sign and got ice cream. Dutch chocolate with Heath pieces. Delicious.
Sunday was rather interesting. It was my first day as an iGuide for the iCampus at Godwhy. Its sort of like a moderator/participator/question answerer/discussion mover for the chatroom that accompanies the online service stream and pre-service show. I had an absolute blast with the other iCampus people. I'm pretty sure we laughed the paint off the walls of that little room. It was also great to participate in the chat. The first session involved a non-Christian throwing some hard ball question, which was a challenge and a huge blessing to be able to encounter. The second session had a lot more people, but the one's who participated in the discussion were all church members who couldn't make the service for various reasons, so that chat allowed for some different work. Their discussion was less skeptical, but still there were questions and hard issues.
As a whole, the experience has just made me a lot more interested in the potential of what Godwhy is doing. The iCampus can serve as a connector to people who can't be there (Mary joined us while at work) but there is another possibility there. The iCampus is a way for non-church people to safely check out Godwhy. From what I understand, they still mostly see people moving from churches to there, but the potential is huge, and the reality isn't bad at all.
