Tear my heart out, with wood and nails

Note: I had to go back through this post and edited out the cursing. Some of you know I'm kidding. Some of you know I'm not.

I've noticed a pattern in how I title my posts. If I know what I want to say, I can label them right off the bat. Perhaps I've known what it would be called all day. If, however, I know what I need to talk about, but not what to say, I end up writing the title afterwards.

Well it happened again. Bad this time. I went to Kairos (after a number of errands) and sat surrounded by good looking women. Behind me (diagonally included), in front of me, and on both sides. And not just one, but at least two deep every way. What sort of spiritual twilight zone is this crap from?

So I'm sitting there before the service wondering what the heck my problem is. Mostly because to my left is a rather striking brunette. Dressed and proportioned in ways I would describe as ideal. And I don't even really say hi. So we sit for a few minutes in uncomfortable silence. Just sit. As I think of turning to talk I go through everything in my head. "You're not that guy, don't be that guy. / But she seems approachable. / No, she seems shy, that's why you want to talk to her. / I can't anyhow because I'll be that guy. / And even if I got over it, and even if she's receptive, you can't ask anyone out because your are jobless. / Ah yes, the area of debilitating stress. / And even if you got over that, you're still in love with Heather. / Am not. / Right. / Like you'd know. / Can't we at least be nice and make small talk?"

Instead I texted Glenn:
"I think I may need serious mental help. Sitting next to a gorgeous girl, not even making small talk. Pretending I have good reasons." - Though looking back I should add some of my reasons are valid. To an extent.

I'm sick of putting stuff like this in the blog. God can we please move on? You're going to drive all my readers away. Or maybe its me. But I've been looking for you to show me all along.

This week I actually participated in the greet your neighbor question thing, met everyone around me, made silly small talk. That's a step somewhere, right? Get's me back to wondering how I ever asked Heather to dance when we first met. I tell myself I wasn't wounded then. Not sure whether or not I believe it.

Worship was flipping sweet by the way. Total abandon, and mad hat singing. I think it was some of the most unburdened I've felt during worship in a long time. Everything just disappeared and it was just me and Jesus. And the band and 1200 other people, all joined in it.

There was a guided prayer time between worship and prayer. During it Mike first pushed us to ask God to remove whatever was heavy on our hearts. Then he talked about struggle and fighting, at the top I remember thinking it was really relevant to me. I was even at the point that when he started the message I was determined to contact Heather, because I knew I had to. By what Mike said, by what I THOUGHT God said back. But that's gone now.

It turns out last week did not start a series on Isaiah, but rather whole personhood in Christ. Last week was about worship, and this week was about worldview, interesting since I'll be teaching on that in a few weeks. The scripture was Matthew 11:28-30. Mike used it to talk about Jesus desires for us, and how life with Him puts us under workings that don't even seem like work, because we were made for them. Which just tore at me. Oh how I long for purpose. How I used to see it, and remember things, and sometimes still feel pulls, but ultimately I'm left wondering. Do I know and I'm forgetting? Do I know and I'm not following? Or are you just making me wait?

Excellent relatable point here. Mike talked about how we take life coaches. People of one sort or another who end up teaching us things. He then related how we'd never think of hiring a piano teacher who couldn't play the piano, but so many people take up these coaches who don't know life. Not like Jesus did.

Now, I woke up this morning overcast. And while it was convenient to match the weather, it was unsatisfying. The reason was that the last dream I had was about Heather. We were talking and all this crap, and I went after her and it was just ugly and had no effect.

I only mention this because at one point during the message, Mike blows my mind. He starts talking about how his mom taught him that God uses dreams and even waking imagery to bring people to mind we should contact. So that's twice in one service I get "absolutely convinced" I need to contact Heather. I'm not sure why its gone now, but I think I'm glad. Who knows.

Before the service this guy who does business/missions work in India got up and talked. He did a Q&A session after the service that was pretty phenomenal. He talked about the Caste system and conversion and the growth of Christianity and all these crazy things. Almost had me wanting to go there, and it was certainly very enlightening.

Also there was this girl there, the only girl I've seen multiple times at Kairos, whom I met the first night I came (remember the table with the girls and Forest Gump).

And here I am again, wanting to be oblivious.

The long and short of it is that I seemed to have noticed something. If I have an idea, or make a decision, or become convicted of something. I have pretty much only to wait a while, until I sleep at most, and it will go away. In some ways its a comfort, and in others an outrage. Its because I don't know where God wants me. Where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. So I have no cause to hold on to anything. And I'm not close enough to Him, or I have residual issues, so whatever He does say, I just dismiss as me or whimsy. Crap right? I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. Or maybe I do and I'm just denying it.

More posts are coming soon I promise. I'd go ahead and do maybe another two right now if if weren't so late.

Be of good cheer, the Lord gave Himself for you. That you might live. That He might be with you.