Honest to goodness, one of the worst posts ever.

So here I am, knowing I need to write, and even what I need to say, but not knowing where to start. Maybe I try to put too much effort into this. But I can't stop. This is where my heart comes out. I don't have those outlets right now to be having this as real conversations, so they take place here. I pour my heart out for myself and for you and then, hopefully, get emails and such that help keep us connected in the unraveling digital age.

Apparently the last post was decently funny, though none of you would know that anyone else thought so because almost no one ever leaves comments. Though that's partially my fault. Al did the other day and I never responded. Sorry, dude.

So let's talk about something I really, really don't like, which is revisionism. I hate it when people go back and cover over history to suit their own purposes. This has always been something that's bugged me but a few things lately have made me acutely aware of it.

For a few days I've had small periods of time where I kicked around this notion of Heather changing the history of our relationship. Everything she said when things went south, and the very little since, had a very distinctly different view of our relationship than what was there.

But what kind of pushed this from a realm of being a line of thinking I was trying to suppress, to something I was willing to talk about in the blog, both as an abstract, and the specific relation, was having a family night last night.

Last night my family sat around and watched tv together, because that's as real as we get with each other. So anyhow, because most tv is crap, and especially because it was Sunday night, the best thing on was a crappy NBC production about Merlin. Now when things got really bad, was when they introduced Gwenevere. She was black! I mean, really probably mixed, but you could tell. And then later they had an Arab guy as one of the knights. Whether they were trying to be equitable about acting jobs, or they were intentionally trying to add diversity, either way its crap. Guess who was in England in the 12th century. White people. And a whole freaking lot of them. They were everywhere. And they were pretty much the only game in town. It's like when they were talking about building the memorial to the firefighters from the 9/11 attacks. They wanted to build a statue of the firefighters raising the flag. And some moron actually suggested they should make the figures of different ethnicities. To change the reality of what happened to suit their purposes and send a message. "Hey, you don't like the way things happened, just change it." "Oh man, you don't believe God is real and you can choose hell, just deny it." You can't rewrite history. Well, you can. You shouldn't. You definitely can't change truth. Freakin jerks.

And now I'll be completely incongruous.

I spent time with God last night. Just me and him. People who've been reading for a while or have gone back over everything will probably have realized its been a long time since I quoted from my prayer journal or talked about doing a private worship time. I was just in a different place with God. But ever since my conversation the other day with Emily . . . well. Things have been different. I don't like what it might (see: probably does) mean, but I do like the effect. Which is that last night I put on music and sang and prayed and drew near to God. Just the two of us.

It started because I was feeling restless, and we all know what that can mean. I opened with my pj,

"Okay, I'm restless. So here I am. I want you. And yes, I want answers, or a step, or a direction to look. I'm listening. I'm ready to be near you. Let's go."

But I took my time. I sang a little and then prayed and opened my Bible. He led me first to Psalm 93, pat of which I copied into my pj. Then I prayed for Him to lead me somewhere. And I opened my Bible to Isaiah 38, a passage where God heals Hezekiah, sparing his life and promising him 15 more years. And I thought it was interesting. But then I remembered something.

Around the time I kind of gave up on the whole fighting for Heather thing, I remember spending a few nights praying and seeking an answer from God. Something had happened and I was going back and double checking. I was asking God if I should be fighting. And He kept leading me to 2 Kings 20. It happened with such frequency and such ambiguity as to the meaning that I forgot about it. And a few weeks later, when I opened my Bible to spend time with God, and just asked Him to lead me somewhere to speak love to me or teach me, I went to 2 Kings 20 again, and really thought it must be a coincidence. A place where the pages stick together. Or a certain way I hold my hands.

And then last night He lead me to Isaiah 38. Where He heals Hezekiah. And the section heading for the first 11 verses of 2 Kings 20? "Hezekiah's Illness"

Well . . . okay.

So I decide I'm going to spend some time just trying to listen. I put on some good prayer music and then just laid there, trying to hear God's voice. Almost immediately I hear things. Things I won't even bother to put here I'm so unsure of them. But some of you can probably guess. And when I tried to argue, to say I must be hearing my own heart, or craziness, then I heard this:

"I am the Lord your God. Hear and obey."

And still I resisted. I wrote:

"Speak, oh God, to Your servant, Your son. Speak clearly."

and in response,

"I am the Lord your God. You have heard."

And still I tried to quiet my head and lay there, trying harder to listen. To empty my own thoughts. But then a clear thought, "there are no more answers here."

So I got up. I wrote in my pj asking God to give me signs of confirmation, saying I didn't have enough to go on.

So tonight I was reading that book, called "The Sign and the Seal." Its a book about this guy's search to find the Ark of the Covenant. Now at this point, more than 3/4 of the way through the book, he is going back and looking for every instance in the Old Testament where the Ark is referred to, but not by its name. Rather by unmistakable phrases or behavior solely associated with the Ark. Reason being, the author was looking for information about the Ark after Solomon installed it in the temple. He'd already scoured for explicit references (those by name) and so was now going by associated phrases or behavoir.

Out of 7 references, two were from the Psalms, and therefore irrelevant since they were written in pre-Solomonic times. Three were found in Ezekial and were irrelevant for a number of reasons.

The last two, however, were from Isaiah 37 and 2 Kings 19. Anyone recognize 2 Kings 29? If so its because I've referenced it before in the blog in this post. I didn't even recognize the connection until the author made it for me. I didn't remember that post. But both Isaiah 37 and 2 kings 19 deal with Hezekiah facing the Assyrian Kings Sennacherib who wants to capture Jerusalem. And strikingly, that's exactly where I was reading in this book tonight.

Quite the coincidence on that timing.

I make nothing of it.

I'm waiting for something else.

So much so that tonight I had a conversation with a friend about what kind of girl they should keep their eyes open for on my behalf.

Sometimes I think I've learned it all. Sometimes I think I haven't learned anything. Most of the time I just try to keep from thinking.

But . . . I really want to go read my Bible right now.

And the timing of that feeling returning just bothers me.

Even so, tomorrow's gonna be a great day. You can just feel it.

Go read Paslm 93.