What now?

Today was . . . wonderful, which, is a great thing for me to be able to say.

I tried to wrap myself in Jesus all day, wanting to be near, to be full, to tune into His voice. My day started with this prayer journal entry:

"You, Lord, are my God and my King. I want to live in Your Holy presence."

As I went around reading and doing chores for my mom and playing with Josheb, I kept seeking God in my heart. "Where are You in all of this? What is my next step? What am I to do?" Yet more so just . . . trying to be on Him, not looking for answers, just to be together.

My run today was a struggle. Almost as soon as I started my knee was hurting. Which I just took as a cue that I needed to be doing what I was. I prayed as I listened to the music. Trying to center my heart and my mind on nothing but Christ. And the more my knee hurt, the faster I ran, the more I told Satan just what I thought of Him. The more I tried to hear my God. I nearly doubled my distance from yesterday.

When I got back Bonnie texted me, saying that we were going to worship at Brittany's. And I was definitely in. Its something I needed in general, but here I am seeking and it just gets served up. Well alright. Let's go.

Long story short, something came up and I ended up finding Heather's number. So I hang out with moms a little and then head to Brittany's, so very ready.

The Lord was all over that place, I can't express how thankful I am that I went, and for what happened there. The Lord is at work.

When we finally get started, Daniel mentions how today he just realized he needed this and tells a little of what happened. And as I'm thinking it, Bonnie kind of guffaws. And then opens up a little about what her and Rachel and Nick and I have been discussing lately. And how we'd settled on Thursday nights, and now other people in our very set God group independently come upon the same notion. As we began to sing I wrote in my prayer journal: "You are the God of calling and confirmation."

Right at the beginning I came to God and told Him I wanted a clear heart and mind to worship. I wanted to have nothing on me but Him. As the 6 of us sang and prayed, it happened. I don't know for how long, but I didn't think about anything but my sweet Lord. Everything else just fell away. Stuff that should have been plaguing me was just plain gone. And it was wonderful. It was honest, it was genuine, and it was all God.

After a fair amount of time just in worship, Daniel began to pray. And he just kept going. I don't say that in a negative way, it was great and it needed to be said. It was very much of the spirit. A good ways into I felt the tug on my heart. I grabbed pj and prayed, "Let me hear from You Lord, just the next step." All day the idea of calling her was playing on my mind, so I was mainly focused on an answer to that, but I'd take anything, just to see what I was to do.

As Daniel finishes, Kolby and Josh show up and we decide to close in gathered prayer. He asks what people's requests are, and after a few people I say, "guidance." And tell that God seems to have given me this thing I have no idea what to do with. Daniel responds, "That's weird, I got the feeling when I was praying, that you needed guidance." And then he said something, "And God's not pulling you one way?" I responded quickly that I was looking for an outside source, something I couldn't chalk up to my own heart. But inside. It was striking. "C'mon. You've been all with God and this is how you feel. That means something." But I let it go.

As a part of what proceeded we all huddled to pray over Kolby and Emily. We prayed for a number of things, but they needed guidance as well. As someone prays, that ask for all things to be lifted, and for clarity to enter in. I can feel the prayer, the Spirit move from Kolby's head up my arm and shake my body. "Call her."

As we go back to finish requests and then pray I can feel it. I look forward and I'm not sure I can take another minute, much less another day. This is where the fight is. Tomorrow there will be nothing. If you wait, you won't.

Then we circle up for prayer, and I close with two scripture readings. As soon as I'm done Brittany speaks up. She says she doesn't know why, but this song is all over her heart. I don't exactly remember the lyrics, because at first I wasn't paying much attention. But then Bonnie was talking about what Brittany had said, that a nearly identical phrase had been on her heart. And that's when I heard it. Bonnie was talking about an overflowing cup. The second line of the song was about drinking from the cup Jesus holds.

Why is this significant?

When I was at Lake Champion, there was a point where I was struggling with what to do about Heather, so I talked to Beth Ann about it. Beth Ann is the camp's full time retail person who I got to know last year as the town runner. As we talk in the dungeon, I tell her the story of how Heather and I met, and how we'd been talking. And she said something that has stuck with me. "The odds of you guys meeting on your own are insignificantly small. God moved heaven and earth, and temporarily altered your personalities to bring you together. Why would He give you this cup if He didn't intend for you to drink from it?"

Yup. And that spurred me to seek confirmation in other places, which I got. Undeniably.

And now I hear it. As I wonder if I am to call. "Drink from the cup."

We sing a few more songs and then decide to go break bread together. But I know I have something else to do.

So I call Heather.

And . . .

I get her voicemail.

Kind of upsetting. During worship I had all these visions of her answering and us just picking up and running. Of feeling amazing. Of things just being obvious and beginning to work out. No dice.

I had dreaded this. I had no idea what to say if I got her, much less if I got her voicemail. So I left a message. I basically said what had happened. That I didn't know exactly what I was calling to say, just that God had told me to. But I knew I had to say something, so I just said my heart. I told her I missed her and that I loved her. And that I was still fighting for her. I said I hoped she was doing well and that I would like to talk to her, and then I hung up.

I immediately went to meet up with my friends. On the drive over my head was racing. Am I fighting the right fight? What if its something else? Did I hear you wrong about how to fight for her? Was I wrong to call? How can she be so upset? I didn't do anything to her, how can she be like that?

But most of all, it was, what now?

Dinner was fun. I'd already eaten so I just had desert and sweet tea. Which was a good decision. And then a few of us headed over to Brittany's to watch a stupid movie and laugh and just be friends.

I had a great night. Wonderful. God was all over the worship, and everyone could feel it. Crazy little things like Daniel using this phrase that had been on my heart all day, or maybe all week. "We have to quit playing church." Everyone was touched, everyone was with the Lord.

Dinner and hanging out after were filled with great fellowship. Good laughs and great little shared moments.

I had a great night. And yet . . . now that I've done this. Now that I've done the only thing I knew to do, the only thing I could hear, and nothing's come of it, I have to ask. What now?

I know I don't want anyone else. Not a chance. I don't want to settle for some lesser woman. But there just seems to be no hope.

Then again . . . I couldn't have heard wrong. There's been to much. The messages that she has been and will be the one. The message to fight. The move to call.

But I did . . . and nothing happened. So what now?

How do I fight tomorrow, with nothing left to do. Praying is getting old. You can only feel like you're talking to a wall for so long.

I'm not giving up. I'll die before I give up, I just . . . I don't know how to fight this.

Someone tell me I'm not crazy. Tell me this is all real. Tell me I haven't heard everything wrong.

I'll close with these lyrics I wrote tonight while we worshiped:

"Let there be light in this darkness,
bring a calm into this storm
don't pull me out before I'm done
just let me feel that you're near."