"I hear the words you say, I still feel nothing"

An Underoath song that I've quoted before, called "Coming Down is Calming Down"

How do I explain how I feel? Do I even know? I want everything and nothing.

But I can't even talk about any of it. I'm just . . . emotionally exhausted. I don't even want to writing on here, or really know what to write, but I have to.

The last few days were crap. I was constantly beset. I tried so hard, but it gets so dark. I made a decision the other night, whatever night I posted last. I decided that the last thing I knew I'd gotten from God was to fight, for her, so that meant everything else needed to be pushed out.

The next day I was inundated with feelings of bitterness and anger. All day, constantly, and very strongly. And I guess that should be an encouragement right? Because it looks like coming under attack. But . . . it really just kind of sucked.

And every day was pretty much the same, only slightly more complex. Sometimes feeling like she doesn't deserve for me to love her and be fighting for her. Sometimes . . . I don't even care.

So I every night I've spent time in worship. Reading, writing, listening, singing. Sometimes multiple times. Sometimes I'd feel like I got somewhere. But it would never last. I tried seeking out, I asked God if He wanted me to go to Kansas City and I listened and got nothing. Not on Thursday and not on Friday. I don't know if I'm thankful or angry.

I didn't hear much of anything else either. About anything. Going back and reading over my prayer journal for the 8th and 9th is really kind of a lesson in depression. So many feelings, so many questions, and doubts. And small entries where I cling to the last thing I've really known. But it all felt like crap, and it doesn't read any better.

Then on Saturday night, I accidentally see a picture of Heather, taken since the break up and a little note she wrote me long ago. And I just lost it. I spent an absurd amount of space in my prayer journal talking to God. Asking Him what was going on, asking why all of this was happening. And I thought it had been hard before.

So I spent I don't know how long in worship . . . but it worked. I didn't write down what God said, or what Scripture I read, or what song I listened to, but my next pj entry was this:

"Alright. But something has to change. If you want me to keep fighting You have to give me a job, or something to do about her, or her, or . . . You have to do something, I can't keep on like this."

This amazing song "I AM" by this great little band called Waterdeep came on. And I had this desire to read something, but I didn't know what. I looked around and then I saw it. "Wild at Heart." So I grabbed it and put the song on repeat and read the chapter entitled "A Battle to Fight: The Strategy." It was good, it was moving, it lifted me up, and gave me some encouragement, and I don't feel like it was just me.

One interrupting tidbit. Friday and Saturday night both, because of where I was I asked God a question that He's probably already answered a hundred times. I asked if Heather was it. If I'd been wrong, if something had changed. On Friday night I was lead to a passage concerning whether or not a particular or group will receive their promised inheritance. On Saturday it was another passage talking about the same inheritance subject, and Hosea again.

But I'm not sure I trust. I'm scared to believe.

So I closed my night with this pj entry:

"Oh Lord, set my feet upon Your rock. Be with me as You were with Joshua and Moses. Give me insight for a brother or two, fellow warriors who can push back the gates of Hell with us. Help me cling to You in the dark times when I just have to wait and listen. Lord, make this victory swift. Deliver me. Restore my inheritance. Make her long for me again Lord. This is Your fight, make me able to bear it. Make me strong."

When I woke up this morning, I had an interesting spontaneous thought. "Today is the day she comes back." Yeah, right. So I put it out of my head.

Worship was stellar this morning, but I felt I was having trouble. I couldn't let go of all these thoughts. Of missing Heather, of wanting her. Of STILL not believing any of this was real. So I had to just keep praying for God to take it away so I could worship with an undivided heart. And it kind of worked, but it kind of didn't. I don't know.

So then Beth gets up to give the special Mother's Day sermon. Which was not a special sermon for Mother's Day. It was just what she felt called by God to share.

The title was "You are for me," and it was based on Romans 8:28-39. It wasn't quite the same language, but it was essentially talking about how God is for us, and everything we face needs to be held up to that. That God has it under control. That its His. At the end she was doing an invitation to response and prayer and she said something I still can't believe.

"I can feel it, God's telling me to step out here. God wants to take care of business today."

Well . . . okay.

So I the rest of the day I filled more than a page in my pj asking God to bear it out. I heard the same message twice, that today was the day, and I just kept asking Him to come through on it.

We had a different Young Adults tonight. We met at the church and did some worship and then discussion. I felt so off kilter. At one point I wrote:

"I feel almost afraid to draw near, but I'm not. I want You. What's holding me back? Bring me in."

I'm not sure it worked.

I was kind of a wash-out duringt he discussion. I was listening, aside from the lyrics to Waterdeep's "I AM" constantly running through my head. There were times I wanted to chime in, but not enough to do it.

And now?!

I stayed out as late as I could, avoiding the urge I felt earlier to call Heather. What would I say? To her or her stupid freaking voicemail.

While we were sitting at Steak & Shake I had this thought. During the discussion they talked about forgiveness and there was a moment where I thought maybe I'm all wrong. Maybe God set up today to move me past Heather. But I had to recenter to what I had definitely heard last. "Fight. Fight for her." But later I wondered. How will I ever know? How will I know when this has failed and I am to move on? Why do I "know" it will fail? Why can't I believe?

I'm scared, that's for sure. But that's not all of it. I wasn't scared last night. I was ready to take any wounds that would come from this fight, because I knew they'd be glorious, gained in service to God. Anything I take in this fight I can brag about when I get to Heaven. "Look at this scar. I got this fighting the Dragon." So what is it?

I know it shouldn't but . . . today shook me up. I heard that today was the day. And nothing happened. And sometimes its seems there will be no day. Even as I got ready to write this, I couldn't help but feel like such an idiot for thinking I'll ever kiss my lovely Heather again. I sometimes feel I'm just like the stories I hear, just not able to let go. I got the urge to delete everything. Every Facebook friend I met through her. Every email and picture I've kept hidden away, praying she'd that one day she'd feel so loved because I'd kept them. Even know . . . I'm so scared I'm doing nothing but prolonging my pain.

But there's this little voice. So hard to hear, that quiets those urges to destroy. But of course the culprit would know how to speak in a little voice too.

But the last message I know I got was to fight, even to the death. And even that. It hasn't been a full two weeks and look at me. I'm a mess. The utter lack of progress, in fact feeling like I'm emotionally moving backwards. Like I miss her more now. No movement in the other areas of my life that need it. I thought everything was broken before. Turns out it can always get worse.

But I'm clinging. I can almost convince myself that its almost unthinkable I could misread ALL these things that seem to say she has been and is it. My Eazar.

I realized on the way home tonight that what I essentially have to do right now is completely shut my brain off. Otherwise it thinks, and if it thinks it goes to her, even when I try to just seek Him. And I can't afford to think about her. Even while I try to fight.

God is here. He is so good and so loving and wonderful. But it keeps taking more effort to remember that, and mean it when I say it.