Going to war

I should have written last night. Because last night everything was fresh and it was charged up. Now its a little a little duller, and already I'm starting to doubt if what happened really did. But I didn't blog last night. I watched some stupid tv and scribbled some lyrics and farted around.

The last few days, since Sunday really, I've been struggling with this feeling. I wanted to fight. Sometimes it was physical, but if I examined it at all I'd realize it was more. I remember on Sunday, at the end of church I just had this thought of wanting to tear down and destroy every stronghold Satan has built. I wanted to reap destruction on his finite little kingdom. But as the days passed, I started to struggle with it a little. I felt like I was without a fight.

I prayed yesterday, asking God to give me the direction, to show me where the fight was. As much damage as I can deal physically, I wanted to do a million times more spiritually, but I just saw no outlet.

I'd also been feeling this distance from God. Here are two prayer journal entries from Monday:

"I feel so far away from You. Its not what I want. Please God, make this right, whatever that means. Give me hope, give me pease, give me something." "Don't turn away. Please just show me Your love. I feel so far away."

So that's where I was yesterday. And then we go to Kairos.

We were already planning to get there a little early, and then made really good time, so when we arrived we grabbed seats in the second row.

As worship started I felt heavy. I wanted to be there, I wanted to be lost in it, but I felt this distance. And I couldn't seem to get Heather off of my mind. So much so that I grabbed my notecard and wrote, "Let it all go. Take it all from me. I want to worship with an undivided heart." It kind of worked, but not really.

When Mike began talking he was saying how we're always worried about what we get out of worship. And that was me. There I was, I'd come here for something, and I felt like it might not come. Turns out I just had to wait a little.

So what was the meat of the message last night? I'm honestly not sure you'll believe me.

Mike mentioned that when he first started teaching on Revelation, people would come up to him and say it was too big and too complicated and too metaphorical. And he'd just ask them if they ever felt the dragon lurking, waiting there to devour them. "And every one of you," he said. "Can feel him. You know he's there. You have a dragon chasing you."

He talked about the woman in Revelation 12. He talked about how we always view being in the wilderness as punishment, but its often protection and preparation. Yeah, another tie-in.

And then he comes to it. "Satan's mindest," he says, "is 'I will destroy His children. Because nothing will hurt Him more.'" "There is a fight coming, and you have to be ready."

Really?

A fight?

And that was the message. Mike talked about being ready for the fight. He talked about the necessity of remaining, no matter how much you wanted to give up.

This is wide-eyed wonder.

And yet . . . I was still holding back. I've realized now I'd built up this little wall, that even at that point, even as it struck me at my heart and hit me emotionally and I knew I had to fight . . . somewhere inside I said, "maybe its not for her."

Even so, I was a goner for the closing worship. I sand so hard. I meant it so much. At first I just closed my eyes and sat and listened. I thought about it all and prayed for God to prepare me. I stood with the tears drying in my eyes. The spirit of worship there at the end . . . everybody felt it. Everyone was effected. It felt like the whole room could explode at any moment. The Holy Spirit was there.

As we left we were in high spirits. The ride home was incredible. We all laughed so hard, just talking and joking and beatboxing and freestyling. Oh yes.

A little after I got home, Bonnie IMed me. "I'm caught up on your blog. After tonight I think you should call her."

And if I needed it, there it is. Its not just me.

I prayed. I prayed God would do something if I needed to be fighting. And here it is.

And yet I'm still trying to doubt. I'm still trying to tell myself that maybe its a different fight. Maybe its just my about my walk with Him. Or ministry. Or . . . whatever.

And now that I'm faced with the possibility of having to initiat everything . . . not only am I scared, I'm not sure I want to. I ask myself if I was really happy with her. If I really want to be with her. But finally, I know where those thoughts come from. This feels good.

Am I going to call her? Not today at least. I'm scared. I'm scared she won't answer and I'll struggle with that feeling. Just as much if not more, I'm worried she'd answer. I have no idea what I'd say. It'd be different if she called me. She'd have something to say, but . . . if I call her? What could I say?

But Bonnie said something that I had already realized, which means its something I have to stick to. It doesn't matter how this turns out. I can't think about it. I just have to do it. Even though I'm not entirely sure what it is right now. I don't know what the next move is. Do I pray for her? Do I write a letter? Do I call? I don't know.

But . . . as if I needed more confirmation, as I was thinking last night about how I needed to do this without knowing how it would turn out, I opened my bible. Hebrews 11. This passage was highlighted:

"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going."

I've never highlighted anything in that Bible. Which means someone else did it.

And it all ties in. Emily talked to me about Abraham's faith when God just said "go." The message of preperation in the wilderness. And now the fight. I prayed for confirmation . . . and I really don't think I can deny it anymore.

But I'm not just going to fight. I'm going to war. Satan will tremble. For the Lord is mighty, and I am His warrior.