"So when did you figure it out?"
Well, as I already said, I don't know. But . . . I do remember on Monday, being over at Jeff's and just, feeling like a total passenger. Feeling like I wasn't really there but I was watching someone else be there. A very odd feeling.
"Do you know why you were under attack?"
No. Due to the speed and severity with which it arrived I'd sure say it had to do with something I had started doing. The only two possibilities aren't things I'd like to attribute it too. One of them is the whole thing of still fighting for Heather, which I can't really sell myself on the idea of that being it because at every turn I just keep telling myself that's just my own desires talking.
And it sucks how I'll be sitting around and have these wonderful memories leap to mind, and then recall I shared them with her. And how I'll just think of great things about her, like how she'd say or do something. And I felt happy. That's crap. I can't feel that way. I shouldn't. And I pray and nothing. And I just keep telling myself, this is loss, this is grief, this is mourning, this is a broken heart wanting someone back. But it just feels like love.
I want to get my face punched in. I want a black eye and a bloody nose.
"You know that sounds insane right?"
Yeah. Its like . . . I think its like . . . I hate the fact I feel that way, or think I do about her. So I want to punish myself for it. Hope it gets wiped out. Cause until I know what's real I just want to live like nothing's there. Like I don't have a heart, at least not for anyone but the lost and my friends.
"So what about the comment?"
Right, that. Well, on the real I was kind of irked over it. You really have to understand that I have a fairly sharp wit, and I've struggled a lot with how that fits in my new creation, because mainly how it comes out is wanting to make mean comments. And by and large its gotten really great over the last 6 years. But when stuff like that happens I just want to tear someone to shreds. Its tough.
I don't know who left it, but I've got an idea, not that it matters. Based on the phrasing I'm pretty sure its a girl.
But here are my reflections:
Calling me self-centered in regards to the points you make brings up a fairly troubling trend in modern church discussion. It has become fairly common in the more with-it Christian circles to speak of the incorrectness of being dissatisfied with the particulars of church services. Mike Glenn, who I respect greatly theologically, even made comments a few months ago about the improper nature of approaching worship with a "What did I get?" mentality which is closely related to this question of whether someone "gets something" out of a pipe organ or electric guitar church service. But I find this kind of reflection far out of place. Yes worship is an offering. But its also part of the systematic discipline of maintaing spiritual health. If you're not getting something out of worship, you're not encountering God. If you're not encountering God you're not growing spiritually. And if you're not growing spiritually, you are in the wrong place. Geographically (particular church) or personally (personal disciplines - quiet times and prayer).
I never complained that the churches I was involved in weren't meeting my needs in general. Rather I expressed some concern that a very real need of my spiritual health was not being met and I was considering ways to address that. I've had hardly anything but praise to give the churches I've been a part of since I started going there, especially in regards to the worship and preaching at the two churches where I attend those services.
And I'd hardly call looking at something like that self-centered. I can't imagine calling someone who was concerned with having a well balanced and healthy diet self-centered. And eating is a time-honored and common spiritual metaphor. Is it really self-centered for someone to be worried about being well fed, physically or spiritually? Is someone wrong for wanting to make sure their church community is a place where they are being fed spiritually?
I think the church would do well to take a more introspective look at the "What did I get?" question. Because that's what the church is there for. To be a community of believers spurring spiritual growth and the spread of the gospel. If someone isn't getting anything out of church, its not working. But it could be their fault.
And I have struggled lately with not being active in ministry. It has weighed on me and I've spent some good time praying about where I needed to be, and whether I was ready.
It seems to me that one of the many terrible products of the social justice gospel movement has been a focus on out-centric faith. If you love Jesus, you have to go do.
I used to tell me Young Life leaders, and then my church volunteers: "If you're not spiritually healthy, if you haven't gone to church this week, and done quiet times, and been in prayer for these kids, don't bother showing up. God and I don't need you. We're better off with 3 people overflowing with God's love than 10 people who just wanted somewhere to feel important."
And that's the real point there. You, along with many people, feel you've stumbled on this obviously higher plane of spiritually enlightenment because you bring up the very important point of servitude. Of offering back time and talents. But I'm sick of 60% turn over rates with church ministries because people show up to serve, and haven't made sure they have anything to give. We need to be producing a mature church that understands missions, serving, ministry are down out of the overflow of our relationship with Christ. We have to be fed to be of any use. And I'm not sure I'm ready.
Along the same lines, I think churches would do well to take a more systematic approach to participation. The value of letting new people get involved cannot be overstated, but having people rush into ministries without knowing if they really fit there is not smart. Its damaging to sociological stability and it is ultimately a waste of time. Now this is clearly all from a leadership standpoint. From a participant perspective the only limitations should be ministry borders (i.e. young adults in a young adult ministry, teens in a student ministry). But as far as leadership is concerned, some sort of graduated or step-in program seems to make far more sense.
The previous issue of spiritual health in regards to ministry leadership is prone to a huge issue known as "burnout". And when the issue of rush entrance into leadership is added, we end up with an ineffective and ultimately unloving system.
In the early church people served as candidates for two-three years learning Christian theology and history until they could undergo baptism and become members. And that was in the 2nd century. I'm not saying we need something like that, but . . . we need to really look at these things. Spiritual health, and proper use of gifts in regards to leadership in ministry are huge issues in churches. And they are far more real than "enlightened" grumbling about self-centered mentalities.
Lastly, since you posted your concerns in public, without leaving your name, my ultimate conclusion is heartache. You obviously weren't truly concerned for my spiritual well being and whether or not I was acting out of step with the path I've chosen.
And that's enough of that.
"Shouldn't you be in bed?"
Yeah, lets face it. I think this post started out well, but now I'm exhausted, and surely I forgot to say most of what I meant to, most of what was important. And what I did say I'm sure I did not get across properly.
The important thing is that I'm back on the wagon right. I'm writing. I know I need to step things up spiritually.
Let's see how tomorrow goes.
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