Kyrie

This is simply intolerable.

These feelings are overwhelming, and my own thoughts and the prayers I offer make no difference.

The title for this post is a song by a band I just discovered called Mammuth. Its the last song on their CD The Cardiac Defect, which is a great CD/band/song name for a Christian group. Kyrie is the vocative case form of the Greek word kurios, which means Lord. For those unaware, the vocative case denotes address or invocation. It is used when speaking to someone, such as, "Lord, if its you, tell me to come." In that sentence, Lord, is in the vocative case.

This ties in to the word's use as a proper noun and its relevance here. Kyrie is used as the abbreviated reference to a Christian prayer written anonymously sometime around 1000 AD, and is commonly used in some Lutheran churches, and more widely in (stylistically) orthodox churches such as the Roman Catholic Church, a variety of eastern Orthdox churches, and lots of the old east African denominations. The full name of the prayer is kyrie, eleison. Which is anglicanized Greek meaning, "Lord, have mercy".

And that's what Mammuth's song is about. And that's how I feel.

I need mercy.

In the end it may not be a sign that convinces me to fight, but rather the desperation of needing these feelings to disappear. These feelings that travel in the opposite direction. But even as I voice that thought I don't totally trust it. I just keep remembering what Jonathan said. That it took him 2 years to get over his fiancee and date again.

But I simply can't take this crap. Two years? However you shake it that just sounds like a horrendous amount of time to feel this way. I'd comfort myself by saying I'm sure it'll get better, but it already did, and now its back. And its not getting better. I understand process and refinement and all that, but this is simply absurd. It so makes me wonder.

It makes me desperate to date again. It makes me wish to step outside myself and ask someone out tomorrow night at Kairos. To call people I know and see if they'll set me up with someone they know. It makes me want to call Amber and explain why I acted so funny. It . . . it makes me want to do ANYTHING to get this awful taste out of my mouth. To escape these feelings. To let go. To "move on". Even as I know that doing those things would be unfair, and ultimately unfruitful, even if "moving on" is where this is all supposed to lead.

I hate this post. I hate feeling this way. I hate having to talk about it and the way it all sounds.

So I'm left with the awful cry of a personalized lyric from the titular song:
"For this [I] come to You, and beg for mercy."