This is how you spell disaster

Rafting was great, thanks for asking.

I'd like to write a nice long post, realizing that last night I completely forgot my original point about the whole gay article, because I got lost in its relation to the devotional I read.  My original reason for wanting to write about it was because of the author's examination of the press of individualism in America and what the church has to done to contribute to it.  Interesting stuff right?

But I'm tired and I'm determined not to be exhausted tomorrow, so here's the what:

Today I've been singularly incapable of getting Heather off my mind.  Its been in tons of external reminders and little nuggets, some mundane, some bordering on miraculously unfortunate (oxymoron?).  But I doubt I'd need them at all.  The majority of my prayer journal entries today (and I'm so glad I'm back to having multiples per day, ever since Tuesday) have been some variation of, "Please Lord, take her off my heart.  I don't want to think about her.  Its making me sad.  And it won't go away on its own."  Yeah . . . this is great.

But that's enough to make a stink out of is it?  I'm feeling extremely restless tonight, so I should spend time with God, but why, instead, am I on here writing a post?

I was trying to unweave some of the craziness that is my brain and my thought process and here is what I stumbled upon.  Yes, I love Heather.  Yes, I still want to be with her.  But I'll be darned if I'm going to do a gosh darn thing about it.  I said it the other night, I love her, I just don't care that I do.

Now in partial defense of myself, I'm truly believe I don't have enough, or good enough, signs to determine that my feelings, or actions based on them are God's will.  And that is a perfectly legitimate reason for my commitment to inaction.  However, I recognize the presence of a pretty decent collection of potential signs of present, and significant, though now in doubt, signs of the past.  So I do realize I'm playing a dangerous game.  I can feel that I'm about a hair away from putting my foot down to God and telling Him I just won't do it.

The good news is, I'm invariably His man.  Despite my rhetoric, I will do whatever He wants.  But if that's it, its just gonna take a serious bit of convincing.

But what would be enough for this muddled and overactive mind?

At least my intentions are good.  I truly and honestly just want to do the right thing.

Then again perhaps the "lack of clarity" is indeed the answer I'm not willing to see.

Ugh.  I really hope tomorrow is a good day.