In Place Of Hope

Haha.  Wow.  That was incredibly predictable.

I got a text today telling me to be at a certain place at a certain time for an interview for the job I was whining about last night.  Of course I'm going.  I'm tempted to say I was being childish somehow, but on second thought . . . .  Is it being overly sensitive and finicky to expect integrity from others?

Also, my desire to remain single lasted about a day.  On the upside I thought about Heather considerably less today than in days past.  On the other hand little stupid things happened like hearing a song she used to sing to me, and seeing a truck from her hometown while stuck in traffic.  Stuff that happens all the time.  Or . . . never.

Because of the traffic I got to Kairos late, again by myself.  It was so crowded that I stood.  In the back.  At the top of the stadium seating.

And here's where things get even more predictable, and ridiculous.

I had walked in the door and realized I wasn't going anywhere, so I just leaned against the door frame and stayed put.  A few minutes later this very attractive and well dressed young lady comes in and has nowhere to stand but next to me.  I forget about it and listen to the message.

Whereas last week was about men of God, Mike did this week on women of God.  So on and so forth.  All good stuff.  Not as many notes because it wasn't quite as applicable to me, though there was good stuff in there, from a ministerial/academic standpoint, and a personal one.  And I was standing.  Its harder to write standing up.

Anyhow, at the end, Mike has all the guys stand up again, and tells us to pray for the girls.  The girl I was standing next to was kneeling down.  So I knelt next to her and put my hand on her shoulder (we were told to) and I prayed for her.  Rise, closing worship.  As we're leaving she grabs me and thanks me for praying for her.

So here I am.  In a situation reeking with coincidence, which doesn't always mean randomness.  I'm standing face to face with an extremely attractive young lady.  I have a perfect in to talk to her.  And I just say some nonsense about it being no trouble and she walks on, with me falling in to step a few feet back.

And now here I am, 2 hrs later, wishing to heck I'd just asked her if she wanted to grab coffee or something stupid like that.

And that's me in a nutshell.  No real direction.  No guidance.  Constant inconsistency.  Which is tantamount to predictability.

Its almost like I can determine how I'll feel or what will happen tomorrow but what I say in the blog tonight.  Which would be fantastic if the changes actually meant something.  But they don't.

On the similarly crazy side I'm going to Godwhy tomorrow.

My problems there are actually more than what I said yesterday.  A few weeks ago Jenn decided that Wednesday nights would take a more focused platform with more Bible and a little more related academics.  There is only one problem with that.

Most of her Biblical history follows the liberal (see academic mainstream) view.  Case in point, recently we were discussing the Gospels and Jenn mentioned the idea of "Q".  For those who are uninitiated, "Q" is the needless and silly idea that the Synoptic Gospels were at least partially copied from another source.  I have trouble deciding which of element of this is most ludicrous.  The idea that the same Gospels accused of being historically inaccurate due to discrepancies are also accused of being so similar as to be copied?  Or the idea that no contemporary non-canonical writings make reference to such a work?  Or the idea that three authors, one of whom was being paid upfront to conduct his research, would feel comfortable to copy from a source, in a small, highly knowledgeable, and rabidly faithful community?  In my mind the most ridiculous idea is that while the writings of the New Testament have more surviving manuscripts of closer historical origin (modern dating of writing in comparison to occurrence of events) than any other ancient writings, despite repeated efforts to completely destroy the writings, there is no physical evidence for a "Q" source.

The idea of "Q" as well as post 70 A.D. dating for the Gospels, and a hundred other ideas are are not historical ideas.  They are almost universally modern creations.  In most cases its the result of spiritually faithful people wanting to appear academically acceptable by such positions, or in fact thinking that such non-traditional approaches are more academically sound, by virtues unknown.  Regardless, at best, every idea of Biblical history I've heard that countermands tradition is unprovable.  And most are quite easily dismissed, at least by people who pay attention.

So what's my point in talking about so much crap most people don't care about?  Every week for the last few weeks there's been some kind of mention of an idea like this.  What is troubling about it is that Jenn, as the leader, presents the ideas as fact.  No, these ideas are not ultimately harmful to the faith.  People can believe them and still by followers.  But their just not right.  At best they are theories.  And in a time when the church needs to push for greater Biblical literacy among believers, teachings such as this are . . . .  I don't know.  Their not harmful per se.  They're just not right.  And that bugs me.

I was doing some evaluation on the way home and I had some realizations.  The other day, after the rafting weekend, when I talked about not wanting to date some one, what I really didn't want was being close.  Talking on the phone.  What I'm itching for is some companionship.  As constancy I'm not sure.  I know I want a best friend.  Some guy I spend more time with than the people I do know.  Someone here that knows what's going on with me.  That here's me say the things I write here.  But I'm back to wanting a date, and episodes like tonight don't help.  I'm not sure how much the latter is a result of the former, I just know its there.

Hearing Mike talk about Godly women.  About what they are like, about the beauty that comes from them.  About the love and beauty that overflow from a heart seeking Christ.  As he said it, as he talked about a woman like that, I could feel that desire swelling in my heart.  And, I felt I'd seen it before.  Seen that beauty that comes so much more from within.  So now I'm stuck wanting that, and feeling that I've been there before and lost it, and want it back.

The worst part is that even as I wish I'd asked that girl to go to Fido with me . . . I still think Heather is a superior woman.  She's more attractive, has a better voice, radiates God's love more readily, and. . . .  What ridiculousness.  Not only am I saying all this crap, I'm saying it in the present tense.

I still wish I'd asked that girl out.

This is predictable insanity.

This is constancy in place of hope.

This is continuous shifts of feeling and conviction and belief.

And I know this inconsistency, is surmountable.  I've done it.  But right now I have no truth to hold onto and ride out the opposing waves.

On the upside, the last song of tonight talked about God rescuing us, which is a word I've been using with regularity in my prayer journal, so that could be a good sign right?

I finally got my Zune back (the second time) and its now working, so that only took, one month and one week from when it first broke.  Anyhow, today on my way to Kairos I was listening to Showbread and I heard this line that just clawed at my heart.

"Whisper something to me, so I can hear Your voice

I'm pushing You away, my will be done, it is my choice"

Yeah.  That's me.  Wanting so desperately.  Knowing its right there.  Knowing I'm the reason I can't hear, but not even sure what it is I'm doing.  Everything I hear right now I just suppress, call it my own heart, call it temptation.  Call it anything.  Would it help if it were louder?

I think I'll head to the gym in the morning.  Nothing empties out your head like a little violence.