"Most of the time its true"

Nothing's really moved today. I've just been waiting around for the day to be over. Looking forward to going to bed just so it could end. Kind of sad. Oh well right?

There are moments where I've felt I latched back on to God today, but I realized it was connected to hope about Heather. So I started wondering whether it was actually God, and that was just the natural progression, OR like Aaron talked about in the sermon on Sunday, is she just a substitute for where my focus should be? Do I just feel that way because my dark passenger is convinced that getting her back will fix things? Fortunately I haven't let these thoughts plague me much. I'm mostly trying not to think about anything.

I don't have much to say for this post, except to mention something I wanted to talk about last night, one of the stories I wanted to tell.

Not too long before I proposed to Heather she called me and was pretty upset, but trying not to be. She played it cool, but somewhere in the conversation she talked about this plan. Now at this point I was expecting to be living in Philadelphia, and her idea was to come up there before the wedding to spend time together. But I could tell it wasn't out of desire, but fear, so I pressed her. This woman that had been mentoring her for a long time had talked to Heather and had advised her that Heather and I needed to slow down and make sure our personal issues were resolved before we got married. Not that it happened too quickly, just that we needed time to resolve things. Or perhaps not. Either way it had the same effect. Heather was asking for more time. She wasn't sure.

And we talked until it came out that was really it. And so know I knew she wasn't sure about me, about us. And how did I handle it?

I told Heather that I couldn't talk her through it. That it was something she needed to sort out between her and God, because at some point in the future things would be hard and she'd need to lean on that assurance, so that she couldn't believe I'd just talked her into it. She called me a few times during those days, going back and forth and essentially not getting anywhere, which was pretty hard on me. Everytime she called I thought she'd settled it. But I wanted her to be solid in this, I wanted her to be sure, apart from anything I said.

The most amazing part was that the same weekend, right in the middle of all this, I had to call to make the plans to propose to her. I had to call the owner of the Carter Fold to ask if I could get up and sing and propose. While Heather was questioning whether or not we'd even be dating. And I did it. I trusted. I just knew how it would turn out, so I called. And the next day Heather called me and was so sure about me. About us. Those were the days.

Why do I tell this story? Two reasons. First is that I just think its a great story.

Second, I was thinking the other night as I laid down to go to sleep, and I had a kind of realization. I'm kind of back in the same place. I can't go after Heather. She has to make a choice. Which is kinda stupid for me to say because, well, she already has. I feel . . . sometimes I feel like such an idiot. Like I'm doing what everbody else does and just holding on to this idiotic hope that things really aren't over. And sometimes I feel like a complete failure for not fighting harder, even though I have no idea what I'd be doing right now.

I used to be so much more.