Be careful what you wish for . . .

Crap.

No, really. Crap.


Just . . . crap.

And really I wish that was a different word. It should be. How did we get here? Well let's go back.

Last time I wrote was Monday, so Tuesday I skipped Kairos. I know. I've explained it by saying it was a combination of Mike Glenn being gone and not having anyone to go with, neither of which on their own would have swayed me, but together, it was too much. In reality though, as I sit here and type, I think I was avoiding God. I knew He'd be there. Pradoxically, that also made me really want to go. I wanted to worship so badly. But at the same time, I just couldn't.

Wednesday was pretty interesting, the best parts of which were CAKE and hanging out with people afterwards, including a "new" friend named Awkward Jenn (real name). And a good Thursday started that night, with a text from a friend asking me if I'd ever done weapons training. And that made me giddy.

So Thursday morning started way early at a karate dojo nearby. Now Karate is for little kids, and that's it. But that's where this guy was, who was doing a special thing. So we did some knife work, which I had done before. And some katana work, which was killer, and some staff work.

Blah, blah, blah more stuff happened. Time with Nick, who just got back from Florida. Time with my moms. And then I'm drifting, and I kind of want to watch tv/play videogames, whatever. But . . .

And here I reach a problem. See I'd like to talk about what happened at Cake, and the things it got me thinking about. I'd like to talk about how today I was thinking about the blog in my head, and I don't think its as funny as it used to be. I have this vague sense that I can be substantially funny, and the blog used to impart at least a little of that, but I don't think it does any more. And I want to talk about why and if there's anything I can do. I want to talk about this book, and how whereas before I had trouble putting it down, now I have to force myself to pick it up. And some of the deep things its gotten me thinking. But . . .

While I'm thinking of finishing a movie on tv, I seriously have this thought, "well you need to clip your fingernails, and if you do it in there, you can be near the computer in case somebody IMs you." Now before you accuse me of being pathetic, just wait because, 1) I've been on Facebook chat like, three times in the last month, and 2) see where this goes. But tonight, I was waiting (in my defence, I was also watching a movie on Hulu).

So then Emily IMs me. And real quick we dive in, she asks me how I'm doing and I explain a little bit. And then she asks me if she can ask me a question. Which makes that two questions, and is really an odd convention. I mean, functionally I understand it, its a way to get permission to ask a difficult or personal question, but I feel we may be better off by being more forthright with that.

Anyhow, then she says it:

"Why did you give up on Heather?"

Crap.

No, really, just . . . crap.

See, earlier today I asked myself that same question.

I really, really, really wish my belief in coincidences was far more sweeping than it actually is.

I'd seemingly tossed all this off for a few weeks, but as you know, the last few days she'd been on my mind again. And then today, thinking about where I was with God, and some of the things I was feeling, and some things that had happened, I just kind of wondered, "Should I still be fighting for her?" And then Emily and I talk, for the first time in at least a month, probably more. And not 5 minutes into the conversation, she asks that question. Crap. I was having such a good and easy going day.

So I tried to respond a little. I mentioned how I'd really lost the desire, and I pointed out that God had pretty clearly told me to ask someone else out on a date. But even as I said it . . . I wasn't convinced. At the end of my explanation I just said I didn't really have a good reason. I just stopped. To some extent it really is because I just didn't know what to do, or have anything to do. But, even that is kind of a flat response.

Emily and I then spent a long time talking. She asked me more questions and said more about the whole Heather thing, and partially as a result ended up telling me a more in depth version of how she and her husband got together. All I will relate from her story is that Andrew is an incredible guy and the way he acted during everything made me feel . . . embarassed. Like I was doing something wrong.

At the end of my conversation with Emily I felt in turmoil. I still do. I wasn't, and am not ready to say that I've messed up and that I should be fighting. But I'm also fairly well aware that I have been lying to myself. Everytime I mentioned wanting a girlfriend or my wife in the blog, that thought started with a thought about Heather. And the timing of my conversation with Emily, who is often a member of non-coincidental God actions for me. And some of the things that struck at my heart while we talked. I'm not ready to say I should still be fighting for her, but I feel like a liar saying it. I feel like I'm burying my head in the sand. Like I'm covering up, trying to change things. Maybe it will go away? Time, right?

And this is still a relatively short post for me. I could go on and talk about all those other things I mentioned earlier. Or other things on my heart. But really I just want to go to bed and hope the morning brings clarity. It won't, only God will. But honestly, I'm a little worried to seek Him right now.

So the title . . . well . . . I'd been wanting and praying about hearing from Him. I've been praying for a job. I've been praying for some other things. And now these things pop up, and the more real they look . . . the more they scare me. I thought I was over this. Didn't we cover this weeks ago?

But alas . . . God is good. He reigns. And though made a co-heir, I'm a servant. All I have to do is tune in. Find the frequency and hear the voice.

At least I know what to ask. Pray I hear . . . and that I have the constitution to obey.